Sometimes pt. II ... the part I incoherently rant

Sometimes I just pretend I am super dumb..... I Get more leeway.

Standing in line with sober people at the bank.... i am so glad i don't look that sily and bored! HHahahahahaha!

Also, when boys tell me what they like and what they do not like? As if I care? As if my entire LIFE revolves around pleasing THEM? I am just going to say it right now. My life revolves around pleasing my VAGINA. My. Vag. Thanks.
...... should I be more upset that I have to put up with boys and their gross condescending attitudes, all of their insecure domineering bullshit just to cum everyonce in a while? .....or should I just say screw em and buy a vibrator? Will I become addicted to it? Would it be super skeazy if I brought it to work with me some days?

I wish I had a super knowledgeable adult to ask these things. Like someone who knows how to do their taxes so they could teach me too! Instead of just getting my Mom to do it. Hhahahhahahhahha.

I want to live in a rock, in a house in a rock. ALONE.

This could be me.....This is a poem I called called REALITY
Be a drama QUEEN. Watch shows like csi miami, brothers and sisters, californication and boardwalk empire. Watch them huddled beneath a blanket of the cats that you keep, their inhaling exhaling kitty tummies, kittiy pulses and occasional kitty barf will sheild yoou from the gross feelings emanating from the tv and your life. The cats will hold you up in case you pass out too.

Sometimes

Sometimes girls don't want to do coke and want to fuck instead
Sometimes they like to listen to music lyibg in bed

Weird thoughts as I drink alone. Again.

• i have a lot of eyebrow hairs, like I am trying to trim and tweeze and make it pretty, because I do not have TIME to sober up and go to my lady (say it like m'lady) but this is taking a long fucking time.
• why do I have tweezers with a girl's head at the top?
• have you seen this? http://nymag.com/homedesign/greatrooms/boody-greatroom-2011-3/
•is it okay if I am a drunk mess if I am going back to school in September?
• do you think my mom notices that the only time I spend money it is to pay rent, go to the liqour store or take out cash? I'm not exaggerating! Why did I give her my online banking password?
•I have never bought condoms before, I kind of want to though.... because T LOVES coming in me and I love pissing him off
• I wish people would send me great links because I am to lazy to ocd browse through google reader today
•I love you? !? It's true!

Apparently i give the middle finger by rampage fucking you in your bed. On my period, in your sheets.

Sometimes... an event will occur, that willl become very traumatic for me to think about after. I'll give it a name, for example, I titled last week's disaster bloody tuesday, (it just seemed hilarious at the time okay? Jeeeeeez)
I package the story up in that title, tight. It is still really ugly to think about, so I push a bunch of pretty ribbonds on it and kick it in a corner or a closet and gtfo of the room it was in, hyperventilating a little, no biggie. No trauma. No drama, I feel cool and collected and in no time, PRESTO! I am just a bag full of sunshine again.

I am now going to GO BACK IN THAT ROOM, open the closet door, take all of the ribbons OFF AND OPEN THAT SHIT BACK UP. Ready?
Okay,
• got trashed on six stellas.
•talked skiing with expereinced europeans
•discovered my fancy new friends KNEW T AND THAT HE MIGHT BE COMING TO THIS PARTY?!
WHAT??......... dealt with this internally as not to cause alarm to my hosts
•proceeded to become increasingly more trashed, pushing BEYOND all forseeable limits.
• omg my phone. I was texting! And taking pictures! NAKED PICTURES? DID I SHOW OTHER PEOPLE? DID I TEXT THEM AND BLACKOUT DELETE~HIDE THE EIDENCE FROM SOBER ME? WHERE WAS I NAKED?
• boom blackout, my recollection ends here.
The events thus far perhaps are pretty standard fare..... this is what I hearrrrrrrd about after
• drinking from an unidentified bottle
•yelling out explicit sex secrets!
•MAKING OUT WITH A FRENCHMAN IN A CORNER
•Telling everyone my LIFE STORY
• at one point yanking my tampon out? Where was I and where is my tampon? (I am hyperventilating right now)
•Taking a taxi all the way to west van? Fucking the shit out the frenchman? I don't know why I put up question marks, I asked him the next morning after we had morning sex three times if we fucked the night before..... he said yes.
..........I go home, confused. However my confusion is shortlived because I have a friend request on fb from unidentified male who ALSO attended the party.....long story short I go out for drinks with him that night to pump him for information. He tells me about the unmentionables that I can't even putt down in words! Ahhhh!
He buys me drinks, I get tipsy, steal a chef jacket from Doolins pub, go home end of story.

Whew, tuesday/wednesday.

We are now at thursday, which was a day that was special because I DRANK MORE WITH FRIENDS and did not get out of control.
Friday, I went home sober? Weird. Saturday...........
....
....
Okay saturday wasn't that great.... went to relish, ginger, then ran in the snow all the way up keefer street to have sex with an 18yo.... he fucked the shit out of me because I wanted it, i deleted his number because I strongly dislike him. Hmm.

Hmmm. Hmmmmm. My vagina is a little sore, and this is where I come to a conundrum. T invited me over today. But I am like fully satisfied!
But he texted me all the beautiful things he was going to do with his mouth and my privates..... and that is pure magic people!
Maybe I am just super trashy/skanky/an all around DEPRAVED SEX ADDICT but I think I am going.....

Oh ps. The Frenchman is best friends with my my totally superawesome roommate hahahahha!
Ahahahhaha.
Hahahahahaha!
Hahahahhahahahahahaha!hahHAHAHAHAHHAHAH!!!!!!!..... *exhales/inhales in brown paper bag while slowly backing out of apartment*

xx

(So many more shameful stories....embarrassing tales of vim and vigour that I am scared of unleashing..Well maybe i want to talk about it a little bit but not right now!

Love love, xoxoxoxoxooxox

Lady Porn Day. Lady Porn Day? LADYPORNDAY........!!!??!?! Lady porn day.

Today is Lady Porn Day. I am celebrating by waking up and masturbating to T's artwork while he texts me mundane information

I am in a sourpuss mood....haha? My pussy is flooded right now in the debris left over from the monthly excavating project that is always occuring inconveniently. I want to have sex! But my tummy is sore and i don't want to be all eager and like say hey! I have my period! Hope your okay with that! I am. Also, I am a Fucking CUNT right now that is going to fuck you angry style haha! Kisses! Because T is but, well, idk.
Yea, we are potentially going to have sex, no strings, just like both of us want. I have dreamt of this day ever since I was a little girly, being all growed up in my big girl apartment downtown vancouver, fucking and shizz. Living my life.
I am going to barf.

Somepart, deep inside of me, feels like I am wasting my time though. My c.l.i.t. is bored, kinda? Sometimes? Hahaha sadface.
I thought the beauty of nsa sex was that you didn't even have a chance to figure out how uninteresting a person is! Now, currently I am fucking two BOYS (JEEZWHIZ! THAT 18YO HAS NICE PRIVATES) who I am overwhrlmed with their tedium. I feel like some sick desperado, covertly texting them, face flushed from embarrassment from resorting to touching privates with uninteresting people.
Perhaps that is why I feel so sick this bright and sunny period. My body is vehemently rejecting boring penis.

I am going to Celebrities. I have just decided this is how I am celebrating this Lady Porn Day, by loooking at all the real live porn at staright night at the gay club. You know, complete with closet cases bis and everything.

Through all of my great decision making processes, my tampon is somehow still smiling. :)

xxxoooxoxox

Love Letters Like Hate Letters

Wow T, you really stepped up for Valentines Day (Why am I still talking about this loser holiday) too bad my heart is not a chocolate that will melt from the warmth emanating off the palms of your hands.
I sent this via text:

Awww! Wow thanks for sending me flowers so I don't feel pathetic and sad that im alone on this holiest of days. I really appreiciate the consideration, maybs I won't have that sexy threesome forking sesh with cheesecake, gin, and me. Thank you sooo MUCH! They smell amazing! Hate to burst your bubble, but the ones my mom sent me were bigger and the type I actually like. Let me inflate your bubble again: this is totally the sweetest thing that has happened to me, EVER! Burst: except for that time someone sent me 7llbs of my fave lindt chocolates. That was a great half hour. Infllate: Not as great as the ten minutes you were inside me thoiugh! Burst: you couldn't. Inflate: However, you are still totally super special! Burst: needs.

.......

Please just send me gin next time. I can't sit here in the dark sober.

End text.

Other stuff that happened this week:

Sunday Evening. Shortly before my Sunday Evening Booty Call.
At veras alone the day before valentines day drinking beer. Alone. In a room full of middle aged gay men (because this is davie street). Waiting for my veggie burger. Contemplating where I'm going to throw it up after.

I am alone right now. My vagina is alone in this world.

How did I get to this point?
Sometimes I think about all the great things I used to have, and I feel super sad! Relationships, computers, imagination, pillows. Necklace collection. Idk. Toothpaste. I used to have cinnamon toothpaste. Why do I buy regular toothpaste now? What's CHANGED?????!!!

I texted H drunkenly last night. Telling him I missed him, not just because he had amazing privates, but because he was a great person. I spelled privates like oprigetd though. He messaged me back saying I wasn't lame, and asking what pditates meant. YOU HAVE A GREAT PENIS BUDS JUST WANTED TO LET YA KNOW. I didn't respond.

Back to current events, unfolding right NOW. Still alone, finished my gross burger. I smell of mustard.

Love you. xx
Ps, is my life a mess? What flavour toothpaste will fix it?

Facebook.cum

Sometimes when I make a new friend on fb, I check out my own page obsessively, reanalyzing every detail available for their perusal, flibbing stalkishly through my tagged pictures, albums, profile album.

This turns me on.
Am I a narcissist? A lesbian? Or do I just photograph extremely well and sexually appreiciate good photography?
Is it bad that I haven't accepted any new friend requests today, but I am masturbating to my own pictures anyway?
Tell meeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

This valentines day is already wildy more successful than last year, that time it I was in Montreal alone. Crying.

I had valentines sex.
Granted, it was at 00:05 (to 00:30) - with an 18yo (we will call him S. He is totally taller than me though and likes deadmau5, that's legit right?) - right after we watched Californication - listening to deadmau5....... okay I am deleting his number right now I can feel your embarrassment for me but I had a good time kay? Jeez.
Anyways, let's recap this past week, which to be perfectly frank, has been my most promisicous week to date..... ie my skankiness has reached new heights/depths.

It starts with L. Stripey sweater guy, remember him? Yea me too. We texted, and then presto, somehow we arrange to have a breakfast date on thursday, which coincidentaly was T's birthday. T would be having a birthday party that night, to which my friends and I had all been blacklisted from for varying reasons. Reasons like, me = we no longer sleep together, bestie 1 = broke up with HIS bestie etc etc.

So we travel to L's house after sorting out that we would not be buying a deliciously cooked meal in a relatively safe and public environment. Probably a mistake I won't make again..... just in case.
He then made me breakfast, afterwhich I made him cum.

Let me list why this experience was amazing:
• it was 9AM. So technically, this was morning sex

This is actually the only positive point I have. The gross food he made me (I cook for a living.....however other than being a vegetarian I am pretty open and generally understand when a boy slaps together some toast+nut butter, yoghurt, fruit, CEREAL, muffins, bagels from timmies, idk! I get it! Cooking is not your thing! Don't despair though buds! Breakfast requires zero effort to be great, worst case scenario I promise! Just follow these guidelines. Waffles gone soggy, burnt pancakes, undercooked eggs, that shit is fine too! All easily fixed with kethup my friend! You can not fuck this shit up. Just keep some frozen berries in the freezer, juice, fresh fruit, cereal/nuts whateves! Stick to the basics!) somehow though, he totally fucked this very important meal up. I am talking, he served me this weird tony robbins esque (who he was obsessed with by the way) inspired breakfast, complete with me trying not to barf.
He made me stare into his eyess for five minutes so we could connect on a deeper level. I totally believe in that shit now, after I totally didn't even want to punch him in the balls anymore.
He was batshit crazy. It was the glint in his eyes that gave it away at first. At first I thought he was just on acid or something, but that sadly was not the case.
He had a boner while he made me breakfast, which I can see this turning me on in say in five years when I groggily wake up, shuffle into the kitchen to find my live-in lover, naked making me toast+nut butter or a cute little fruit plate or something. He would become aroused when he saw me then, and idk it would be hot. We would have a great granite countertop that would feel cool and hard on my naked back.)
But the boner L popped seemed a little bit perverted and weird.
I had the intention of fucking him for better or for worse that day because I just needed something to take the edge off that was not booze. In the end it worked. I have to give this nutcase props, he was an excellent and resiliant lover, if a little selfish and demanding (at one point he told me to kneel after trying to forcible lure me down to his d.i.c.k. for a few seconds. Awwwkward for him when I said no and pushed him on the bed and had MY way.)

Long story short, I went home after work that night and was far too tired to even CONSIDER how broken and weepy I was feeling about T and his stupid birthday.

But yea, two guys in one week, whom I NEVER plan on talking to again........
Idk I don't have to self love tonight, I bought two incredible new cookbooks today, and I have a shoe shopping spree extravaganza that is imminent, hovering in the air over me, waiting for the perfect sunny morning to strike me with the relentless urge to once again be nearly drowning in a sea of flats. What more could a girl want? ....other than granite countertops?

(I fucking love flats.)