After A Night At Prospect Point

so ..... yea this past week has been pretty neat!
back on the wagon with T.
This time around there is a lot more mutual respect though.
Which is nice! It´s comfortable!
He introduces me to his daytime friends.

On the whole it´s better, probably because I know what to expect, and what NOT to expect..... I just have a better understanding of how I fit into his routine... and hopefully vice versa!

To be honest I´m not even ecstatic, just relieved to have someone to sex other than s. I do not need to be crazy balls out in love though! We just get along, it isn’t too serious and I STILLL probably am more into it than he is.... so morally I don´t even feel bad!

(BUT! KAY I WAS LYING! I feel bad morally. there is just a teensy tiny little hitch that could possibly ruin everything and I’m sort of freaking out about it! BUT WHY? Its not like he didn’t say to me earlier that day, ´Did you hump him? I don’t even care!` or Ì like you because you are so young and innocent! ‘Like dude, my conscious is in an irreparable state! BECAUSE I FUCKED SOME BONEHEAD IN HIS DIRTY SKATESHOP SEX APARTMENT LIKE A GROUPIE THAT ACTUALLY EVEN CARES ABOUT SKATEBOARDING.)

reduce, reuse, recycle.

So I have been on a minor rampage. no serious damage. not a lot of plugging privates in privates.

affair with 18yo terminated upon my roommates discovery and subsequent shaming.
cried at a hello kitty party
have been in more limos this week than a senior prom gigolo.
have turned my google search history into a body of evidence proving my obsessive and pathetic lack of self control in regards to a fellow named____.
hours long makeout sesh with blankity blank followed up with the ubiquitous

Let us be friends. We will talk and stuff. (I am assuming by stuff he means activities that would not be offensive to his live in girlfriend.
cried. and drew. and applied for a business licence.

got druuuuuuuuuuuuuunk.

Whew.

JUILLET

I have decided
Cigs are bad
C is bad
Luxurious past times. All baaaad
Eating is bad
Pimples bad
Tumors. Bad.
Being a friendless narcissistic sp whatevs drunk aimless latching easy barfly. ... is, i will admit, tres glam. However if you were to choose this path as well i would advise you to evaluate the thickness of your skin. It is not cool to be aspiring, wide eyed, and unknowing the true cost/values of your caste.
I would say, fuck the dream.
I am not QUALIFIED to reimagine this industry, or even this fucking dessert menu in 4 months.

ramble bhlabhblah i am incompetanjt, green.
replaceable, lacking follow thru as well as a ffunctioning____
Integrity..

BEFORE i could define myself by these traits.
now. down

Are You A Loser toooooo?

So..... lets skip past my message inbox which is filled with rejection and lonlinesss and unfullfilled slash never made promises......past the frizzz that would not end on my head...,. past the ugly that will not fade.... past the fucking skinny cargos that I AM WEARING AGAIN WHAT IS MY PROBLEM.

okay.. Actually there is nothing to say after all of that.

Latent Aggression

I feel great today!
I woke up not EVEN REMOTELY upset. Which is like more fricken miraculous than how we all narrowly survived the brimstoneyx hellfisre of the rapture last night.
I am so UNFAZED that I am able to talk about what happened yesterday! Just how I felt shit and insecure no bigs!
Minor causes of shit-feeling include hearing unsettling truths about your self, unavoidable heartbreak manifesting itself in public settings, revealing elaborate schemes people put together to avoid you. Mostly I learned that friendship is a privilege that can be revoked because sometimes your annoying and horrible and basically just a gross twentyone year old that is unable to contribute to engaging and mature discussions. major factors being because I hate everyone all of the time and I can NOT even hide it and maybe I´m still a little upset right now, a little because I´m not even cool, but mostly because I am not getting laid this week and I JUST GOT A WAX EVEN THOUGH I HAVE A COLD AND THAT SHIT HURTS RIGHT NOW FUCKING COCKSUCKERS I HOPE YOU FALL DOWN AND CHOKE ON A HAIRY BALL AND GET HURT BAAAAAAAD OR SOMETHING.
I am SO FUCKING STEAMED because people tell the STUUUUUPIDEST lies in the whole wide world and I am unable to even call them out on it! BECAUSE IM A HUGE PUSSY!
I am so FUCKING LAZY I dont even want to think about what to do now. Im fucking pouting right now! LOOK AT MY POUTY FACE AND UNDERSTAND WHY I JUST STAMPED MY FOOT ON THE GROUND AND STABBED YOU IN THE CHEST WITH MY DAGGER LAZER EYES!

Because I am a little girl all of a sudden and I am definitely NOT getting my way.

Im not saying im happy its come to this, im just saying...... somebody had better bring me a fucking bag of sour keys or I am going to scream.

A COMEDY OF DOUCHES ..... Or alternatively its 830am and im three stellas deep with my best friend Florence and the machine.

positive: I found the most amazing penis. A perfect set of privates. The pleasure trifector if you will.
I don't have to talk to him, text him. I don't have to put up with his weird 18yo bullshit, because he's 28.

Positve: my vagina is SMILING at the day, saying hey mother fuxkaaas. I feel nice.

Negative: this particular penis has a dog? Just came back from Mexico? Previoulsy lived in a house? Won't take me to his new apartment??? Gf? Shush! Don't even say that! Calm the fuck down lady! Stop being such a paranoid polly and just breathe in some sanity, and blow out with crazy kay.

Positive: he seems to know the entrenetier at my restaurant. How quaint it is that yalerown is such a small town at heart. How deliciously quaint.

-Okay, I am about to go harsh negative nancy on your butt so just grab some orange juice so you can chug a little sunshine after we get this ugly business out of the way. Cool.

Negative: indeed yes, my entrenetier knows this particular penis ........his girlfriend is a close family friend.
Actually, this particular penis called him when he was looking for a job....... Since then he has found a job fucking next door
ALSO my entrenetier buds says there is a picture of this penis, WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND I REPEAT HE IS BALLED AND CHAINED on buds mom's fridge. Just to be sure, we texted buds mom for confirmation on the status of the relationship. Her response. They live together.


Relationship. Confirmed.
Douichebaggery. Confirmed.

...... Another swinging dick. Come and left.

Dream Big

I want to see flowers

I want to see my bones poking out of my skin (just kidding! that is so groooos.) and see daisies everywhere.



I was walking down cambie the other day... as per usual and saw these super cool black ferns or something.

I miss the gardens.



I want to live in a garden... and I would be super fit tending to it all day.. like harvesting the tomatoes and rhubarb, watering the roses etc etc. i would TOIL under the sun.



watch the sun set.



walking into my living room..filled with orchids and calla lillies . there are windows everywhere... the crazy end of day red shimmering in till its last bearthe (does that only happen in paia? on angry vancouver days?)



once... i went to mana foods in paia.. with my friend... this boy. we bought all these lovelysnacks and watched the surfers as we ate .... such an adventure. we met randomely on the bus at the pacific whale foundation. i think he was high. why do i do everything bý myself?

like travel?



anyway... back to my garden house.



then I would make delicous supper, out of baby spinach or arugula or butter lettuce or some shit. all nice and tossed with tasty vinegary shallots. with a poached egg on top... poached in apricot champagne vinegar (it exists) or just plain white vinegar with apricots or nectarines hanging around..raw almonds...... maybe some tommed`or cheese depending on how lactose i feel that day.... plus BASIL. I would harvest my whole grains and make a delicous bread for my stable boy or neighbours. I cant eat it... iäm celiac.

they would love it warm with apricot jam.



after we would pick apples, as the stars are twinkling on, and the air is twinkling cold on my arm hairs.



then..... I would lay down in my bed.... beautiful sustainable oak (does that exist?) .. maybe actually just a yoga mat on the floor because I dont know where id buy my furniture from. probably too cheap to buy furniture anyway.



my walls would be a deep plum and id have white lace curtains..... and some sleepy landscapes on the wall....

I would lay down and dream... about going to thailand or france..... depending on how hungry i feel.... (stupid muscly legs)



I would probably wake up.. have a tea. and then I would be so grateful. and focused. I mean, so many people have shown me love over the years and I would be able to articulate my gratitude. and regret over how I effed up. in letters, in actual comunication. (idk.. where is my spell check?) In how I live my life.



maybe I would even send them some candy, like licorice all sorts



... image from wooster collective. maybe i should cite where all of images come from instead of being some disgusting ddegnerate internet theif.