Friday, December 31, 2010

Should old acquaintance be forgot? Let me ponder this with cheese....

Happy New Year!
Last weekend, after Christmas, I took some time to do some serious reflecting. By reflecting, of course I meant I went through my closet and made a pile of all the clothes I am not going to take with me into 2011. I obsessively compulsively facebook stalked all my flings of the year, flipped through my recipe book to see how it's grown, and sent out a few holiday emails. After, I felt so complacent and balanced I decicded to go out for a couple drinks and really IMMERSE myself in this great post Christmas bliss. We ended up at Yaletown brew pub where the stout is always delicious and full of antioxidants, than the Oxford where...... well it just was not my favourite. Ambience wise. We finished the night for some open mic and cheese/rillete at Raw Canvas.... which to my dismay was not a raw vegan eatery, but to my delight it serves a shitload of cheese. The wine, communal tables...... the area of the room they have sectioned off with a twiggy fence reserved for painting......
As I stood outside having a cig (gross! I know jeeez. Okay I'm throwing my pack out NOW! You convinved me, thanks!) I realizzzzed, even though I don't have all the babes of my dreams dripping off my arms at that exact moment, I was still having an awesome time with FRIENDS. My besties. And life is pretty good, even though I'm single. SOO long story short, I drank life in and then drank some more.
To my single reader out there, I love you! I hope whatever your situation, you have an intense New Year's full of love and cheer! Even if you ARE NOT on a shit ton of drugs!
Cheers! xx (Be Safe you skank!)

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Worst Case Scenario

No, it wasn't meeting the most beautiful shaggy hipster ever in my fucking UGGS immediately having worked for ten hours. - That was okay because I ALWAYS look good after a quick dust of bronzy and a few swipes of mascara/lip balm. It's not hard, and after being with a herd of men (Working! Im not THAT kind of skeazy) for an entire day, a girl needs to fem up a bit.

It wasn't the fact that I cried, although shit did get fucked up and it was MY fault.

No, these were simply growing experiences that I can use to better myself for the future. However, there is a small window between calmly hyperventiliating whilst changing out of your failure soaked whites and looking knowingly upon a new day. That window of time is preferably spent getting silly on vodka redbulls and prowling the bars in yaletown.
Such was my plan when two friends, Mr. Already Drunk and Mr. 12 Lines of Coke Deep sat at my table and convinved me to hang out with them. As I am writing this, I see where my biggest mistake was made.

You see, I just needed to get laid. With a cute/nice/tall/RANDOM babe. Instead, I signed myself up for a crash course in how to babysit a couple of sloppy/coked out drunkards whilst they played IN the chinese food at Tsui Hangs. At 3:30am.

Not to say I am incredibly thankful one of these individuals managed to barf before going to bed (Puke buckets can be difficult targets people!) And that I managed to wake him up and drag him to work (on time I might add)...... but as I was laying on his couch, still buzzed and completely dtf......god I couldn't even finger myself....... I had the vague impression that somewhere out there, I missed out on some great holiday season fucking. Worst ever. :(

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

A passive observation on female smokers always looks trashy , end of story. So says an extremely metrosexual 23 year old boy I know, and who am I to argue with those credentials?

I quit 3 hours later and gave the rest of my pack to an extremely cute superbabe who asked to bum a 'dart', an Australian term that was a little off putting after I confirmed he was not in fact Australian.

It has been 4 days now, and I feel decidedly classier. However, I also feel like baking some rage bread ie punching down some dough ie releasing some STEAM. This leads to eating unnecessary carbs, and weight gain is never classy.
Maybe I will just make a rage soup.

I learnt the craft of stalking at a young age.

Highschool taught me two great skills, how to fake being good at maths and how to stalk the shit out of cute boys.

I have a new mission, currently called the boy who walks down granville some monday evenings at 19:00ish with a dirtbag ponytail and the occasional black blazer.
I will have to utilize every skill in my intel seeking arsenal, from lip reading and eavesdropping to pro usuage of wigs and fake moustaches. I may have to employ a homeless man, dress him up in urban outfitters hipsters finest and set up a faux bro diversion of some sort to. ...well divert his attention.
I have less then 6 days before his next known location can be confirmed.......this mission will take all of my sneaky/skank instinct/sexual prowess to complete. I know I will succeed because I have an insatiable passion for two things, oppulent vegetarian cuisine and d.i.c.k........and I already went grocery shopping this week.