All the times I got laid..... and other shizz.

Monday, December 26, 2011

....and they taste like wet toilet paper.

Jacob and I are official. As in, we actually do stuff in the daytime now. It's one thing to have a boyfriend, it's quite another to have somebody that wants to see your shit in the daytime, on the street, in a mall. He would do annnnything for me when he's drunk as fuck, but does he feel the same way sober? The girl with the Bartender sucking her boobs.

However, the world is my oyster, or more precisely the world is a cornucopia filled with aphrodisiac/sexxxytime magical vegetarian oysters that never expire because I am 21 and everybody loves 21yo girls.

Sooooooooo should I feel bad about that time I slept with the gm of xxxxxxxxxx, where by the WAY my fav female chef in all of vancouver is situated, in whistler, for no better reason than I was MODERATELY MOTHAFUCKING DRUNK. This was not even me making shitfaced decisions, I was simply in an emotional upheaval over world and personal events that are so far beyond my control. Whew.

It was amazing by the way.

I don't think I like having sexxxytime with Jacob anymore, maybe I am secretly still in that non slutty phase I was discussing earlier. Maybe his smell repulses me.

Perhaps I AM a hoe-bag and need to come to terms with this verifiable truth before the corrosive consequences of such a state of existing dissolves every good part of my life...

Who knows? Muahahahahah!

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

At Lolita's by Myself Eating the Fruits of my Sangria

Do I have a gem for you. Two pearls of wisdom gleaned from two wizened and pearly tooth gents at work: Stay meano to keep em keen, and someone always wears the pants, Love is not equal. So I would like to believe that with Jacob I wear the pants in regards to my affinity for the enigmatic and his curiously persistent nature. I don't want to be a dominant figure with Jacob though! he is so perfect and sweet that I would do anytimg for him to be so exquisitely infatuated with life forever. Which is clearly a submissite ideology right? But that makes me want to barf normally? Egads. But yea, no pants for me. I an emotionally incapacitated and clearly suck at debison making. So much so that I have already ripped these gosh forlorn metaphorical dry clean only trousers off, bareing my soul. leaving us to stare at each other awkwardly, both of our privates exposed to the elemental desires of the other. Christian tells me no love is equal though. which is obvious as Jacob's privates are ginormous, and at best I am a half hearted b cup. So what is actually happening between us?

The undisputed cockfaced douchiness of kids with beards and receding hairlines.

Have you ever hated someone before? I have a red hot poker hate on for someone at the moment. Usually, when I've been wronged I zen out and find understanding within myself and generally try and waste as little energy as possible on the offending individual. This time, shit is different. No zen, just rage. You see, tony has really outdone himself this time. He has proven that he is undoubtedly the most disgustingly old and decrepit human being in the entire land, inside and out. He live tweeted that I was defecating in his washroom. Paraphrasing here, but this is what I read as I awoke nonchalently , groggily in his bed, attempting to rouse myself with an invigorating perusal of the ol news feed. Nothing like hearing the girl you just humped taking a dump in your washroom. Jeeesusssss. 2hours ago. For fuck sakes at this point I was stiiiiil under his motherfucking sheets. He is laying, supposedly sleeeeping right beside me. He is absolutely dead meat. I would say my ability to withhold explosives that morning, such as diarreaha, rage, explosive blind rage violence, explosive swearing and cussing out, was a true testament to my innate nature as a cool cucumber. Because in that moment, I did not freak. I lounged, completely at my leisure. Got dressed, made tea, watched robo cop and 30 rock with him. I pretended to be just a rolling heap of good spirits, chuckling at liz lemon and her comparitively maneagble love entanglemnts. I took my time. And then the time came, I put on my jacket, gathered my belongings, carefully tousling my hair in one of his thousands of mirrors. I walk back to the bed, leering over him smiling the most hateful smile I have ever felt sprawled acrossbmy face. I gave his tummy a little tickle and he grinned, and wiggled a hit like a little puppy dog, eyes half closed. In his little boy bliss. And then I punched him in the stomach. I generally do not like hurting people, and the sound of pain he made as I made impact normally would have made me sick. Whimpering and rolling over,alone, in between his sheets he asks why I did that. I zip up my jacket and simply say your fucking facebook. In my usual sing song voice , I call goodbye to him from the front hall and let myself out. Now let us try and understand the actions of this erextile dysfuntion prone, senile old monkeys buttfaced man. ......... ..... Nope. He is an insecure, conniving, passive agreesive sack of damaged goods that needs to alienate himself from every girl he fucks because he is a misogynist fuck that has mummy issues. Back to me. The status was so woefully painful for two reasons. 1) I didn't even poo! I promise! In order to doooo that I need a calm and peaceful environment. Such as MY OWN BATHROOM. 2) annnnnd yes. Facebook. Can facebook be a shit free zone? Pleasaaase. And also old people. Why do I put myself through this, hairy wrinkly old person bodies with mean spirited one dimensional personalities. Barf.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Waterbottles made out of wine bottles

Reasons why you should stay in on thursdays.
- .......

Reasons to use an indoor voice in bed
- your roommate
- your ppartner's roommate
- your partner's parents
- your partner's dog
- the already shattered pysche of the kitty you're babysitting. cat sitting. whateves.
- your fragile vocal chords

Reasons to not work in a kitchen.

Reasons to work in a kitchen
- food. duh.

Reasons to be alive.
- guzzling water from a big house bottle, dancing around like a maniac in your living room. listening to beastie boys........ basically this entire morning..... first peppermint mocha of the season whaaaaat.

Reasons to be alive pt. 2
- new computsies
- showers.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Yea, I called Jacob. and I def gave it up. Now lets turn our discretion voices on and talk about private things.


Hey. You! Over there in the non prescrips and gross aa infinity scarf!
first thhings first. that stache is awful. your mo needs to go! I mean yea, everytime I look at you I basically cum a thousand fluid ounces all over myself and pass out just from how obnoxiously good looking you are.
but for real, i mean real TALK right now..... that shit is scrapey.

second point.... I need to tell you a secret.
PLEASE DO NOT think differently of me.

....Actually, DO! defriend me from fb, judge me, erase that brunch date you pencilled in your date book, discard all of our texts. because I have changed and you may not want to contact me ever again.

I am having non slutty feelings.

as in...... I may have an end goal in life that does not hang delicately on the premise of having a gratified vagina at all times.

as in..... I do not walk down the street eye fucking everysingle stached up super stud that I pass

as in...... I am level headed enough to not want to hang out with douchey boys just to get some.

as in..... I have new standards. I don't know where they came from, who installed them, or much the bill is going to be.

I just know that suddenly, my privates feel like an unexplored cavern that my whore hands are not even good enough for.

When will the sexxing resume?
how much of this cold and unbearable winter do I have to spend unaroused?
will it help if i peruse my little lady porn stash everyday?



oh gosh, why are my early twenties being so confusing.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Hovember is over it failed annnyways

Which memory should i del first
All of the ones containing the screenshot of THREE OR PERHAPS FOUR I CANT REMEMBER MESSAGES IN A ROW on fb.


all of them.


the one of tonight, In which I desperate texted, sweated, jump noogied everyone and read poetry in east van.

I segmented 50 grapefruits, feed 110 people salad and petite fours, made sweet, sweet, pastry.

I smoked a cigarette, danced like no one was watching. cuz I was on the side of the stage, and no one was.

read counsel by bukowski

Made sweet, sweet love with sssssssssssssssssssssssssss.


was rejected

Was rejected by a lesbian.

ate mash potatoes

talked to my gma

cut cake

made sorbet


Asked myself, Why do only late 20s want to occupy my vaaaag, is it because compatibility is based on desperation levels.

Why does ssshshshs look so amazing with super short hair?. Did I leave my lipbalm in his car?

Today is dedicated to fresh sheets and pondering, perhaps quietly listening to the chemical brothers/hana soundtrack as I sit here, flummoxed.

Thursday, November 10, 2011



It takes two lameos to have bad sex,
But you can totally get off if YOU'RE awesome, even if your partner is a dead starfish.

I am currently in LimBimbo, that murky area under the semen, between stellar sex never to be had again, and the great unknown bounty of fresh booty. It's where my quest for the Kraken of cock has taken me. It is lonely here.
It's damp and quiet..... I can hear the rolicking waves of other peoples orgasms all around the city.
There is anticipation and fear..... will my next conquest live up to expectation? Can the first intimate sexxy sesh with someone EVER EVEN DREEEAAAAAM of battling the seaworn complexity that is the culmination of a tried and true lover? How do you key down the excitemment and just let it happen, knowing that time ripened fucking in a few weeks will obvs be BETTER, and worth this icky first time business? Will it be icky?

Should I just call Jacob.
.........A. No!

Ps, sick graphic by Duke Riley

ahhhh.... so glad I am finally learning

Monday, November 7, 2011

No ocd (as you will obviously discover): Do you ever lay awake at night, ' itchy at the thought of bacteria...... just wondering.

And it dawns on me how fucking disgusting I've become after realizing I have been using the same toothbrush for the past 7 months.

Time for some serious changes here folks. I am also going to splurge on some sweet microfibre cloths. Situations like this can only be tackled with the brute force of a condensed knit rag.

I can not believe the depravity I have fallen into.....the horrors upon horrors I just pray my roommate knows nothing about.

I own socks with HOLES in them .......but wait.
it gets worse.

My recycling bin... oh god the recycling bin. Why do I throw my fucking dirty tea bags in there? WWWWWHHHY? It makes zero sense.

This rebellious streak has also urbansprawled itself INTO the kitchen drawers. ALL OF THE MOTHERFUCKING FORKS ARE MIXED UP! What kind of lunatic just lets these things happen?
It is so obvious and simple.... small forks in the small spot, large forks in the big spot.

Tomorrow is the dawn of an ultimate clean. I can feel it.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Lets Talk Occupy Vancouver

I hate this whole situation.
I am such a lazy piece I am going to link other websites and not even carve out my own opinion. To be honest, I am having a hard time forming one. My opinion is sourkeys..... for ALL THE CLASSES.


Sign here if you believe


Never make out with: (no partic order here folks)
Bartenders (duh)
Boys from north van
People smarter than you
30yos without cars
30yos period
Sten. He has a girlfriend.
Your australian friend.
Your friend from paris
Your besty
The guy that lets you put your sufjan playlist on for sexxy time
The kid on the bus
The most beautiful kid between those two god foresaken lakes
Your bestfriend's boyfriend's bestfriend
The bartender from downstairs. Do I reaaaaally have to repeat myself like this?
The hot skater with the skate shop that skates. hes mormon and all types of fucked.
The guy working the perfume in sears. that serves at earls........ wait you gave him your number? friends off.
Anyone you meet at the roxy
Anyone you meet between the hours of 10pm and 8am.

Orrrr! Make out with ALLL* of them! hahaha. Annnnnd send me dirty pics or it didn't happen loser! Just kidding, I LOVE you.


(*except for the kid from sears. closet case.)

Thursday, November 3, 2011


Oh Blogger. You have been my home for the best 10ish months due to the ease I could create this blog on my silly little motorola blur. i stuck with you through thick and thin, when wordpress finally amalgamated itself into the android sphere, when your shizzy new interfaced popped up and made everything complicated (Thank you for the option of NOT using that updated pile of headache).

You counted my hits, or pageviews, or whatever it is actually called.

you denied me adsense due to my motherfucking explicit ass content and shit, I suppose my cunty assed censor-worthy bitchy little rants were just too fucked up for your mother fucking pansy assed adword thingy.
i know this sounds like goodbye.

it's not! I am pretty lazy, and clearly not popular enough t that it even matters, but this little series of epitaphs (this word was intentional) is staying in place....
And im opening up shop on my old faithful wordpress.

its called dateknife and its actually about cooking and shit!
okay, har har that was a lie. no cooking, but I will be showcasing my compilation of interviews with vancouver's finest, the creme de menthe of our bland culture.......

Thats right. Sexy ass cooks. And some of their sexy ass girlfriends!

get stoked.

icky sticky thump

jack and meg, jack and meg jack and meg. my true loves since 2002.

Why do I play these deceitful games?
I clearly do not like anything or anyone as much as I like this, and for the record, here is my PERFECT FANTASY

basically me, naked, rolling around in a bed of soft/silky/slightly heeated fabrics sharing bon bons with my puppy as we cuddle and wash it all down with mini proseccos......

all the while, listening to this.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

so last thursday I anticipated being 'sober' it ended up becoming....

The night i almost made sweet bartender love in a bed belonging to the gm of granville room

Well, that happened. Or should I say, almost happened. There was a lot of mouth on mouth......?..... pants mostly on. Was I wearing socks? He was really hot. not as hot as m though, but then pulls out the ol' you're a 7.5 and too hot to work in a kitchen line. as if I need HIS validation for petes sake. as if i am a 7.5! I think I was an 8.5 that night.
I am immensely glad I was too drunk to sleep with him to prove him wrong, self respect peoples.


I woke up the next day with the following inventory on my person:

NYPD tie clippy - stolen from hawksworth bartender as I was undressing him as he was making drinks. he saaid it was all good though.

Burts Bees - Curious, as I was in a boys apt all night and was using clinique black honey at the time.

wooden knob thingy - possible from a cupbourd. I want to make it clear that I do not have a history of disassembling furniture in any type of inebriated state.

Blackberry Bold, unlocked.

Empty pocket where MY phone is meant to rest its angel head...

The ANGUISH I felt was now increased tenfold as not only had I spent a drunken evening, blitzed out' SHAMELESSLY HITTING ON AND MAKING OUT WITH BARTENDERS. PLURAL.. But I had simultaneously stolen a phone and lost my own.

this was a low point, I can recognize that now. I think I need help! I need my friends to be there with me in my weakpoints ad remind me how FILTHY AND DISGUSTING industry people are and that I am just making everything worse by sucking face with these soul less entities... bartenders..

Oh gosh.

I need a distraction

Do you ever want to sexx someone so bad ......
I'm talking so bad you can hardly string words into sentences.

Sooooo bad.

So bad you pour yourself a bath because it is going to take at LEAST a half hour to scrub yourself clean of all the filth in your mind.

basically reading poorly written blog reviews of my restaurant as a precursor to me writing my poorly written blog precursing a poorly written porn

An open letter to lovers and quasi lovers from the August october 2011 ... or. period 3 wexll say.

you all are balls.

e, i just want to say......I blocked you from my news feed. it was because of your incessant links to shit that is so sick it makes you want to vomit on my mom. i am offended by this as a feminist, someone formerly inhabilitated with _______and as an individual with a mom that smells nice.
you post in volumes i do not have the education to measure.
i should also note that i am absolutely not prejudiced against tastes that differ from my own. i enjoy being exposed to the array of musical and cultural tastes within my facebook community, i may be denying myself the pleasure of some serious dope shit later on and i am seriously grieved by this.
however, your posts annoy me. you annoy me.
and you are obsessed with a genre that has encroached upon your decision. making abilitites, to the point where you made the choice to not go to post secondary and instead follow your dream of being adjacent to the fresh kicks.... working in a shoe store. So .... long story long I decided to revisit the oncurring event called ....
boys that like hip hop hit on me.

i just want to be honest, I enjoy parts of hip hop. mostly the kanye part, and the part where im drunk. thats pretty much the extent my palette sways in that direction.

ive noticed i have been attracting hip hop fans, emotionally, this is not a huge deterent albeit i am def more into the supertramp crowd.

.................kay let us get real here. I am not exactly sure what flimsy facade i am trying to pull..... obviously I have few to zero standards and do not really care about the moral composition or ambitious endevaours of anyone..... i clearly am here for privates on privates and should stop pretending that t wasnt even the best cuddle buddy ever... when he wasnt texting or dragging me to hip hop shows. with BEER i might add.

which brings us to the which is what incidentally brought me here tonight.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

froyo dinner = best dinner

Look whos getting shit figured out!

The past two weeks have been UTTERLY AMAZING. of course, the bliss of this new and dusky autum has been peppered with the shitfaced jacob conversations i have been inundated, with....but really! pish posh, there is basically the most magical season ever unfolding before our very eyes, as the earth prepares itself for the barren weeks (days? oh vancouver sky) of WINTER.
this is our last peek at the beauty that was 2011 before she croaks, gently staining our boots with salty kisses, passing away as quiet as descending snow, before her passion fueled corpse decomposes languidly in our memories over the next year.

i feel like the holiday season is already here! the social part i suppose. brunch dates, coffee dates, movies, etc dog walks, cozy hang outs, new boots! letters from gramma! oh man this september was good, and I havent failed to notice the stellar nature october has adopted thus far. im looking at you thanksgiving. you turned up last minute, the stroke of tuesday hovering above. thanks! I mean it!

I have decided to stop despairing. For a while at least!
I am going to be TOO BUSY for despair!

I am going to the Gastown Winter Farmers market this Sunday for starters! I am so ticklish just at the thought, I am seriously smiling deliriously at this stupid computer screen for no reason other than i am excited to go look at vegetables in gastown. oh autumn! you make me cwazy!
but yea, you should for sure go as well.

And I also am now the proud owner of two jobs! as in I have not one, but two sources of income! and let me tell ya, if being able to afford a six pack of stella every week is amazing, imagine having A TWELVE PACK.

i love my life.

Friday, October 7, 2011


Whats new?

Computer fritzed out
Jacob fritzed out
Thanksgiving is fritzing the fuck out

so, being the sebum savant that i am..... decided to diffuse that little dickfaced cockanus with....

wait for it.....

BANGS. as in I cut my own mothafuxcing hair y'all!
as in i am an idiot. because, let us get REAL here. my little pimpsies will be gone by tomorrow, but i will be Bangsalot McCowface for several months.

Okay. First world drama. Let us talk about Jacob.
he hasnt called me in two days
we havent hung out in four days
he is suddenly over burdened with 'school' and 'being to drunk to see me' .... this is bad.
you see, i dont want to be this kids girlfriend. i want to be who he hangs out with when he's stressed out from school and being drunk all the time!
i feel so disgusting! This kid clearly does not even want to fuck me when he's WASTED! He tells me that he doesnt want me to see him like that but all I hear is that he thinks my vagina is icky.

im doing shots of tequila in my bed and masturbating until this horrible nightmare ends.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Who needs to fuck boys when you have mumford and sons AND a bottle of fireball AND ALSO other things to do, like your fucking life. what was my vagina thinking.

So yea, who feels silly today!!! ME! 
I should have known T hated me all along and basically thinks I´m the worst ever and  I should just delete his number AGAIN because clearly I have no use for it anymore. The End.
Well not the end actually. The skank train has undergone some serious renovations and is now ready to plow forward FULL THROTTLE into the depths of some sexy, rainy day depravity.  That is right folks! While I clearly have no ability whatsoever to hold the interest of the coke addled young and bright male  minds of this city....... I can sure reel more innocent, fragile types in like.... fish in a barrel? I have not lost my ability to appear to be attractive at least!
....And so I will recap this weeks exploits.  
`You could not be hotter if you tried´..... repeat in my ears this jingly little tune 25 more times throughout the evening and imagine my altered state of euphoria that resulted.  Granted.... this comment usually came after I performed  such erotic displays as 
  1. masturbating in front of him
  2. pulling my hair back 
  3. being on top
  4. sitting on my couch
Now, I do not want to have an over inflated self worth.  ...... But it feels nice when people think you are really hot in the middle of - the most fatiguing -  sex sesh.  Espeicially when this person is just a 22yo puppy dog that is so sweet and innocent and probably is infatuated with life at least thirty times a day! 
His name is Jacob and he is alsooooo a bartender! 

KAY HOLD THE JUDGEMNET HE ALSO GOES TO SCHOOL AND PLAYS SPORTS and is super sweet! And we are going to fuck like crazy tonight again. So yea........ probably throwing myself off a cliff here.  YOU KNOW BEING INVOLVED EMOTIONALLY IS SO DANGEROUS AND HAS NOT BEEN OVERLY REWARDING TO ME THUS FAR:  jeeeeeez.

But yea, we met in a gay bar which also happened to be my 13yo selfs wet dream! . 
Just realized.... 12 CONSECUTIVE months in one city since I was 13! Coolio.

Love love, xoxoxoxox

Friday, September 9, 2011

WHOOO even GOES to the Morrissey on a fucking friday.

So how about celebrating your success?

Pretty underrated if you ask me!

I have accomplished a monumentally painstaking, clit numbingly harsh, and excruciating task. One whole week that I didn't sleep with s! Amazing! You are probably wondering how I did it! I am actually a little concerned how, biologically, my body managed to go through an entire evening of compliments, caresses, hugs, making of eyes, stupid stupid man tricks, so many lovely tingly man tricks! ..... And I evaded them all with poise and grace (I am not even being sarcastic - I was a pillar of something that doesn't even have sex with attached cocks. )

I think I did it with self respect. Not in the gross I FINALLY LEARNED TO LOVE MTSELF AND STOPPED THROWING MYSELF OFF BURNING BRIDFES INTO RAVINES FILLED WITH AIDS NEEDLES AND HARTBREAK way, but in the I realized that, even though I admire and look up to this person, (because he is pretty neat! ) at the end of the day he is a huge dilhole. type of way.

I know, I know, the competition for biggest dilhole in any Vancouver based social interaction is pretty cutthrouaght these days.  I usually am dilhole CHAMP (And I cringe, as suddenly it dawns on me the possible etymology of the word dilhole) and I usually win, but I think s takes the fucking cake.

Cheating on your girlfriend? What is this, 1875?

Its 2011 bra. Have a fucking threesome.

Am I the ONLY one embarrassed about the lack of appropriate, honest! timely, communication that could prevent the DESTRUCTION OF MARRIAGES; TEARING APART OF  COUPLES AND TOPPLING  OF BEST FRIENDSIESSHIPS!
How is this even an issue in this flipping day and age of mother fucking skype and ipads and smartphones and for the love of pancakes, facetime? PEOPLE. put down the trazodone and pick up some FREE LOVE! AND SHARE IT WITH ALL YOUR BEST FRIENDS! AND STOP SLEEPING WITH TWENTYSOMETHING GIRLS! (that last rant was for the older kids) all we really need is FREELOVVE.... SO LETS DO IT.

I mean, things are better than before, for true.  

okay! celebrate!
So I am going to hug the shit out of today with the smiths, an icy midday foot bath, and vodcrans before work. And t!

xoxoxox! :):)

Monday, August 29, 2011

After A Night At Prospect Point

so ..... yea this past week has been pretty neat!
back on the wagon with T.
This time around there is a lot more mutual respect though.
Which is nice! It´s comfortable!
He introduces me to his daytime friends.

On the whole it´s better, probably because I know what to expect, and what NOT to expect..... I just have a better understanding of how I fit into his routine... and hopefully vice versa!

To be honest I´m not even ecstatic, just relieved to have someone to sex other than s. I do not need to be crazy balls out in love though! We just get along, it isn’t too serious and I STILLL probably am more into it than he is.... so morally I don´t even feel bad!

(BUT! KAY I WAS LYING! I feel bad morally. there is just a teensy tiny little hitch that could possibly ruin everything and I’m sort of freaking out about it! BUT WHY? Its not like he didn’t say to me earlier that day, ´Did you hump him? I don’t even care!` or Ì like you because you are so young and innocent! ‘Like dude, my conscious is in an irreparable state! BECAUSE I FUCKED SOME BONEHEAD IN HIS DIRTY SKATESHOP SEX APARTMENT LIKE A GROUPIE THAT ACTUALLY EVEN CARES ABOUT SKATEBOARDING.)

Sunday, July 17, 2011

reduce, reuse, recycle.

So I have been on a minor rampage. no serious damage. not a lot of plugging privates in privates.

affair with 18yo terminated upon my roommates discovery and subsequent shaming.
cried at a hello kitty party
have been in more limos this week than a senior prom gigolo.
have turned my google search history into a body of evidence proving my obsessive and pathetic lack of self control in regards to a fellow named____.
hours long makeout sesh with blankity blank followed up with the ubiquitous

Let us be friends. We will talk and stuff. (I am assuming by stuff he means activities that would not be offensive to his live in girlfriend.
cried. and drew. and applied for a business licence.

got druuuuuuuuuuuuuunk.


Thursday, July 14, 2011


I have decided
Cigs are bad
C is bad
Luxurious past times. All baaaad
Eating is bad
Pimples bad
Tumors. Bad.
Being a friendless narcissistic sp whatevs drunk aimless latching easy barfly. ... is, i will admit, tres glam. However if you were to choose this path as well i would advise you to evaluate the thickness of your skin. It is not cool to be aspiring, wide eyed, and unknowing the true cost/values of your caste.
I would say, fuck the dream.
I am not QUALIFIED to reimagine this industry, or even this fucking dessert menu in 4 months.

ramble bhlabhblah i am incompetanjt, green.
replaceable, lacking follow thru as well as a ffunctioning____

BEFORE i could define myself by these traits.
now. down

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Are You A Loser toooooo?

So..... lets skip past my message inbox which is filled with rejection and lonlinesss and unfullfilled slash never made promises......past the frizzz that would not end on my head...,. past the ugly that will not fade.... past the fucking skinny cargos that I AM WEARING AGAIN WHAT IS MY PROBLEM.

okay.. Actually there is nothing to say after all of that.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Latent Aggression

I feel great today!
I woke up not EVEN REMOTELY upset. Which is like more fricken miraculous than how we all narrowly survived the brimstoneyx hellfisre of the rapture last night.
I am so UNFAZED that I am able to talk about what happened yesterday! Just how I felt shit and insecure no bigs!
Minor causes of shit-feeling include hearing unsettling truths about your self, unavoidable heartbreak manifesting itself in public settings, revealing elaborate schemes people put together to avoid you. Mostly I learned that friendship is a privilege that can be revoked because sometimes your annoying and horrible and basically just a gross twentyone year old that is unable to contribute to engaging and mature discussions. major factors being because I hate everyone all of the time and I can NOT even hide it and maybe I´m still a little upset right now, a little because I´m not even cool, but mostly because I am not getting laid this week and I JUST GOT A WAX EVEN THOUGH I HAVE A COLD AND THAT SHIT HURTS RIGHT NOW FUCKING COCKSUCKERS I HOPE YOU FALL DOWN AND CHOKE ON A HAIRY BALL AND GET HURT BAAAAAAAD OR SOMETHING.
I am SO FUCKING STEAMED because people tell the STUUUUUPIDEST lies in the whole wide world and I am unable to even call them out on it! BECAUSE IM A HUGE PUSSY!

Because I am a little girl all of a sudden and I am definitely NOT getting my way.

Im not saying im happy its come to this, im just saying...... somebody had better bring me a fucking bag of sour keys or I am going to scream.

Friday, March 25, 2011

A COMEDY OF DOUCHES ..... Or alternatively its 830am and im three stellas deep with my best friend Florence and the machine.

positive: I found the most amazing penis. A perfect set of privates. The pleasure trifector if you will.
I don't have to talk to him, text him. I don't have to put up with his weird 18yo bullshit, because he's 28.

Positve: my vagina is SMILING at the day, saying hey mother fuxkaaas. I feel nice.

Negative: this particular penis has a dog? Just came back from Mexico? Previoulsy lived in a house? Won't take me to his new apartment??? Gf? Shush! Don't even say that! Calm the fuck down lady! Stop being such a paranoid polly and just breathe in some sanity, and blow out with crazy kay.

Positive: he seems to know the entrenetier at my restaurant. How quaint it is that yalerown is such a small town at heart. How deliciously quaint.

-Okay, I am about to go harsh negative nancy on your butt so just grab some orange juice so you can chug a little sunshine after we get this ugly business out of the way. Cool.

Negative: indeed yes, my entrenetier knows this particular penis ........his girlfriend is a close family friend.
Actually, this particular penis called him when he was looking for a job....... Since then he has found a job fucking next door
ALSO my entrenetier buds says there is a picture of this penis, WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND I REPEAT HE IS BALLED AND CHAINED on buds mom's fridge. Just to be sure, we texted buds mom for confirmation on the status of the relationship. Her response. They live together.

Relationship. Confirmed.
Douichebaggery. Confirmed.

...... Another swinging dick. Come and left.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Dream Big

I want to see flowers

I want to see my bones poking out of my skin (just kidding! that is so groooos.) and see daisies everywhere.

I was walking down cambie the other day... as per usual and saw these super cool black ferns or something.

I miss the gardens.

I want to live in a garden... and I would be super fit tending to it all day.. like harvesting the tomatoes and rhubarb, watering the roses etc etc. i would TOIL under the sun.

watch the sun set.

walking into my living room..filled with orchids and calla lillies . there are windows everywhere... the crazy end of day red shimmering in till its last bearthe (does that only happen in paia? on angry vancouver days?)

once... i went to mana foods in paia.. with my friend... this boy. we bought all these lovelysnacks and watched the surfers as we ate .... such an adventure. we met randomely on the bus at the pacific whale foundation. i think he was high. why do i do everything bý myself?

like travel?

anyway... back to my garden house.

then I would make delicous supper, out of baby spinach or arugula or butter lettuce or some shit. all nice and tossed with tasty vinegary shallots. with a poached egg on top... poached in apricot champagne vinegar (it exists) or just plain white vinegar with apricots or nectarines hanging around..raw almonds...... maybe some tommed`or cheese depending on how lactose i feel that day.... plus BASIL. I would harvest my whole grains and make a delicous bread for my stable boy or neighbours. I cant eat it... iäm celiac.

they would love it warm with apricot jam.

after we would pick apples, as the stars are twinkling on, and the air is twinkling cold on my arm hairs.

then..... I would lay down in my bed.... beautiful sustainable oak (does that exist?) .. maybe actually just a yoga mat on the floor because I dont know where id buy my furniture from. probably too cheap to buy furniture anyway.

my walls would be a deep plum and id have white lace curtains..... and some sleepy landscapes on the wall....

I would lay down and dream... about going to thailand or france..... depending on how hungry i feel.... (stupid muscly legs)

I would probably wake up.. have a tea. and then I would be so grateful. and focused. I mean, so many people have shown me love over the years and I would be able to articulate my gratitude. and regret over how I effed up. in letters, in actual comunication. (idk.. where is my spell check?) In how I live my life.

maybe I would even send them some candy, like licorice all sorts

... image from wooster collective. maybe i should cite where all of images come from instead of being some disgusting ddegnerate internet theif.

i have to change out of these skank clothes before i meet mz real friendssssss wahhhh

I am praying right now....

for this burning sensation to SHAKE SILLZ GIRLS TO DEATH to stop. why do girls not think im CHARMIN question mark.

i just want a best friendsies again.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

The Sun is Shining Everyday

Yesterday I went to Vancouver Art Gallery and had a fantazmo experience. Even though my ex french lover came with! Came with his new girlfriend that is.
I saw an old friend from highschool!
but I spazzed out and was too shy to say hellosies.
He looked super cute in all of his stylish glory.... he is in fashion now.

I was wearing cargo skinnies? wtf is my problem?

Okay, these are just minor disturbances..... I just need to man the fuck up and get over it because these are not even the major issues of my life.

Let us begin with this most recently past friday.
I was feeling amazing! No rampage partying urges! Drinking wine with some lovelies.... surrounded by sexy bartenders from other restaurants!
Ahhh no. bartenders are never sexy kay! They are FORBIDDEN. annnnnd not in the hot way either! In the you will have to slit your wrists if you ever mess around with that biznasty!
In the way that when you see a bartender step out from BEHIND THE BAR AT THE END OF THEIR SHIFT....
you get. the. fuck. out. because you are scared down to the depths of your poor little girly soul.
That kind of forbidden.

Anyway, this isn,t even a bartender story! This is a story about how I fucked a fellow garde manger at the restaurant NEXT: DOOR: TO. MINE.
/he knows everyone I know over there
/myreputation may have changed!
/i cant even do anything remotely fun/sexy this weekend because I am in some sort of pivotal point of whoreishness.... annnnnd I am kind of enjoying it? but let me be honest.

None of these boys can even hold a nutmeg scented CANDLE to the lovemaking skills of my Danish ex H. he was a MAGICIAN.

And I think I am beginning to understand maybe he was super special and not everyone will be as amazing as he was? so i should proooooobably stop looking before I end up being the neighbourhood tramp.

So yea, sigh.
Maybe I should just limit sexy time to dance party time in my living room?


Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Mission Possible.... slash a diversion from writing about what is actually happening ahahahahah

You have a job today.
It involves running to your nearest shoppers drug mart....
here is a a list of nearby locations if you live in the west end of van


there yet? whew.

okay, now ruuuun again to the candy aisle and just prepare yourself for this next bit.


That is two. pounds.. as in LBS! as in 454g plus 454g. of. candy. for threeeee dolllas! hahahahahah!!!!!HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
(I feel a little eensy weensy bit maniacle as I have polished off a good portion of a bag of my fave! sour gummy worms. hahahahahahHAHAHAH!!!!)

grab six bags. you will NOT regret this...... I PROMISE YOU!


Wednesday, March 9, 2011

I just... want to make ______

Kay can I please go here?
I just really want to go there.

Also..... this.


I am 20 and I am liberated

Here is a checksies list of accomplishments this week:
  • went to antique store
  • left phone in a vulnerable position to be stolen in antique store
  • bought a vibrator (not in the antique store!)
  • celebrated Woman´s day by being bitchy to incoming bootyballs. incoming via FACEBOOK (jeez, like I know I am super hard to get a hold of because my phone was stolen.... but sometimes my roommate can see the dirrrty fchat convos and sometimes we just laugh about it. laugh at it. laugh at you.
okay, maybe I accomplished a lot this week and this list is not the best way to showcase my amazingness. So instead, let me talk to you about how this vibrator is making me feel.

ITS MAGIC! I AM CURED! Cured of the slutty that is. Literally, all motivation to talk to boys, ever!!! has evaporated. I am basically liberated.

Kay I have to gooo back to bed.

yea, bed.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Listening to BBC1v radio right now...

and I am super frustrated with life!
Like I love my life.. its just that I fucking hate being sober! hhahaha then I only have time to think about H and .... well sometimes I think about T but he is certainly a minor part in this horribe daytime drama.

I am excited right now.... exctied down THERE: ie I want to f.u.c.k
ie I hate that I am single
ie I hate meeting boys in bars slash clubs
ie i think I am going to chain smoke for the next hour before I have to go to work.

gross I know! jeeeez.

xx please tell me an embarassing story so I can just feel better about myself? ;)

Sometimes pt. II ... the part I incoherently rant

Sometimes I just pretend I am super dumb..... I Get more leeway.

Standing in line with sober people at the bank.... i am so glad i don't look that sily and bored! HHahahahahaha!

Also, when boys tell me what they like and what they do not like? As if I care? As if my entire LIFE revolves around pleasing THEM? I am just going to say it right now. My life revolves around pleasing my VAGINA. My. Vag. Thanks.
...... should I be more upset that I have to put up with boys and their gross condescending attitudes, all of their insecure domineering bullshit just to cum everyonce in a while? .....or should I just say screw em and buy a vibrator? Will I become addicted to it? Would it be super skeazy if I brought it to work with me some days?

I wish I had a super knowledgeable adult to ask these things. Like someone who knows how to do their taxes so they could teach me too! Instead of just getting my Mom to do it. Hhahahhahahhahha.

I want to live in a rock, in a house in a rock. ALONE.

This could be me.....This is a poem I called called REALITY
Be a drama QUEEN. Watch shows like csi miami, brothers and sisters, californication and boardwalk empire. Watch them huddled beneath a blanket of the cats that you keep, their inhaling exhaling kitty tummies, kittiy pulses and occasional kitty barf will sheild yoou from the gross feelings emanating from the tv and your life. The cats will hold you up in case you pass out too.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011


Sometimes girls don't want to do coke and want to fuck instead
Sometimes they like to listen to music lyibg in bed

Weird thoughts as I drink alone. Again.

• i have a lot of eyebrow hairs, like I am trying to trim and tweeze and make it pretty, because I do not have TIME to sober up and go to my lady (say it like m'lady) but this is taking a long fucking time.
• why do I have tweezers with a girl's head at the top?
• have you seen this?
•is it okay if I am a drunk mess if I am going back to school in September?
• do you think my mom notices that the only time I spend money it is to pay rent, go to the liqour store or take out cash? I'm not exaggerating! Why did I give her my online banking password?
•I have never bought condoms before, I kind of want to though.... because T LOVES coming in me and I love pissing him off
• I wish people would send me great links because I am to lazy to ocd browse through google reader today
•I love you? !? It's true!

Apparently i give the middle finger by rampage fucking you in your bed. On my period, in your sheets.

Sometimes... an event will occur, that willl become very traumatic for me to think about after. I'll give it a name, for example, I titled last week's disaster bloody tuesday, (it just seemed hilarious at the time okay? Jeeeeeez)
I package the story up in that title, tight. It is still really ugly to think about, so I push a bunch of pretty ribbonds on it and kick it in a corner or a closet and gtfo of the room it was in, hyperventilating a little, no biggie. No trauma. No drama, I feel cool and collected and in no time, PRESTO! I am just a bag full of sunshine again.

I am now going to GO BACK IN THAT ROOM, open the closet door, take all of the ribbons OFF AND OPEN THAT SHIT BACK UP. Ready?
• got trashed on six stellas.
•talked skiing with expereinced europeans
•discovered my fancy new friends KNEW T AND THAT HE MIGHT BE COMING TO THIS PARTY?!
WHAT??......... dealt with this internally as not to cause alarm to my hosts
•proceeded to become increasingly more trashed, pushing BEYOND all forseeable limits.
• boom blackout, my recollection ends here.
The events thus far perhaps are pretty standard fare..... this is what I hearrrrrrrd about after
• drinking from an unidentified bottle
•yelling out explicit sex secrets!
•Telling everyone my LIFE STORY
• at one point yanking my tampon out? Where was I and where is my tampon? (I am hyperventilating right now)
•Taking a taxi all the way to west van? Fucking the shit out the frenchman? I don't know why I put up question marks, I asked him the next morning after we had morning sex three times if we fucked the night before..... he said yes.
..........I go home, confused. However my confusion is shortlived because I have a friend request on fb from unidentified male who ALSO attended the party.....long story short I go out for drinks with him that night to pump him for information. He tells me about the unmentionables that I can't even putt down in words! Ahhhh!
He buys me drinks, I get tipsy, steal a chef jacket from Doolins pub, go home end of story.

Whew, tuesday/wednesday.

We are now at thursday, which was a day that was special because I DRANK MORE WITH FRIENDS and did not get out of control.
Friday, I went home sober? Weird. Saturday...........
Okay saturday wasn't that great.... went to relish, ginger, then ran in the snow all the way up keefer street to have sex with an 18yo.... he fucked the shit out of me because I wanted it, i deleted his number because I strongly dislike him. Hmm.

Hmmm. Hmmmmm. My vagina is a little sore, and this is where I come to a conundrum. T invited me over today. But I am like fully satisfied!
But he texted me all the beautiful things he was going to do with his mouth and my privates..... and that is pure magic people!
Maybe I am just super trashy/skanky/an all around DEPRAVED SEX ADDICT but I think I am going.....

Oh ps. The Frenchman is best friends with my my totally superawesome roommate hahahahha!
Hahahahhahahahahahaha!hahHAHAHAHAHHAHAH!!!!!!!..... *exhales/inhales in brown paper bag while slowly backing out of apartment*


(So many more shameful stories....embarrassing tales of vim and vigour that I am scared of unleashing..Well maybe i want to talk about it a little bit but not right now!

Love love, xoxoxoxoxooxox

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Lady Porn Day. Lady Porn Day? LADYPORNDAY........!!!??!?! Lady porn day.

Today is Lady Porn Day. I am celebrating by waking up and masturbating to T's artwork while he texts me mundane information

I am in a sourpuss mood....haha? My pussy is flooded right now in the debris left over from the monthly excavating project that is always occuring inconveniently. I want to have sex! But my tummy is sore and i don't want to be all eager and like say hey! I have my period! Hope your okay with that! I am. Also, I am a Fucking CUNT right now that is going to fuck you angry style haha! Kisses! Because T is but, well, idk.
Yea, we are potentially going to have sex, no strings, just like both of us want. I have dreamt of this day ever since I was a little girly, being all growed up in my big girl apartment downtown vancouver, fucking and shizz. Living my life.
I am going to barf.

Somepart, deep inside of me, feels like I am wasting my time though. My c.l.i.t. is bored, kinda? Sometimes? Hahaha sadface.
I thought the beauty of nsa sex was that you didn't even have a chance to figure out how uninteresting a person is! Now, currently I am fucking two BOYS (JEEZWHIZ! THAT 18YO HAS NICE PRIVATES) who I am overwhrlmed with their tedium. I feel like some sick desperado, covertly texting them, face flushed from embarrassment from resorting to touching privates with uninteresting people.
Perhaps that is why I feel so sick this bright and sunny period. My body is vehemently rejecting boring penis.

I am going to Celebrities. I have just decided this is how I am celebrating this Lady Porn Day, by loooking at all the real live porn at staright night at the gay club. You know, complete with closet cases bis and everything.

Through all of my great decision making processes, my tampon is somehow still smiling. :)


Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Love Letters Like Hate Letters

Wow T, you really stepped up for Valentines Day (Why am I still talking about this loser holiday) too bad my heart is not a chocolate that will melt from the warmth emanating off the palms of your hands.
I sent this via text:

Awww! Wow thanks for sending me flowers so I don't feel pathetic and sad that im alone on this holiest of days. I really appreiciate the consideration, maybs I won't have that sexy threesome forking sesh with cheesecake, gin, and me. Thank you sooo MUCH! They smell amazing! Hate to burst your bubble, but the ones my mom sent me were bigger and the type I actually like. Let me inflate your bubble again: this is totally the sweetest thing that has happened to me, EVER! Burst: except for that time someone sent me 7llbs of my fave lindt chocolates. That was a great half hour. Infllate: Not as great as the ten minutes you were inside me thoiugh! Burst: you couldn't. Inflate: However, you are still totally super special! Burst: needs.


Please just send me gin next time. I can't sit here in the dark sober.

End text.

Other stuff that happened this week:

Sunday Evening. Shortly before my Sunday Evening Booty Call.
At veras alone the day before valentines day drinking beer. Alone. In a room full of middle aged gay men (because this is davie street). Waiting for my veggie burger. Contemplating where I'm going to throw it up after.

I am alone right now. My vagina is alone in this world.

How did I get to this point?
Sometimes I think about all the great things I used to have, and I feel super sad! Relationships, computers, imagination, pillows. Necklace collection. Idk. Toothpaste. I used to have cinnamon toothpaste. Why do I buy regular toothpaste now? What's CHANGED?????!!!

I texted H drunkenly last night. Telling him I missed him, not just because he had amazing privates, but because he was a great person. I spelled privates like oprigetd though. He messaged me back saying I wasn't lame, and asking what pditates meant. YOU HAVE A GREAT PENIS BUDS JUST WANTED TO LET YA KNOW. I didn't respond.

Back to current events, unfolding right NOW. Still alone, finished my gross burger. I smell of mustard.

Love you. xx
Ps, is my life a mess? What flavour toothpaste will fix it?


Sometimes when I make a new friend on fb, I check out my own page obsessively, reanalyzing every detail available for their perusal, flibbing stalkishly through my tagged pictures, albums, profile album.

This turns me on.
Am I a narcissist? A lesbian? Or do I just photograph extremely well and sexually appreiciate good photography?
Is it bad that I haven't accepted any new friend requests today, but I am masturbating to my own pictures anyway?
Tell meeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Monday, February 14, 2011

This valentines day is already wildy more successful than last year, that time it I was in Montreal alone. Crying.

I had valentines sex.
Granted, it was at 00:05 (to 00:30) - with an 18yo (we will call him S. He is totally taller than me though and likes deadmau5, that's legit right?) - right after we watched Californication - listening to deadmau5....... okay I am deleting his number right now I can feel your embarrassment for me but I had a good time kay? Jeez.
Anyways, let's recap this past week, which to be perfectly frank, has been my most promisicous week to date..... ie my skankiness has reached new heights/depths.

It starts with L. Stripey sweater guy, remember him? Yea me too. We texted, and then presto, somehow we arrange to have a breakfast date on thursday, which coincidentaly was T's birthday. T would be having a birthday party that night, to which my friends and I had all been blacklisted from for varying reasons. Reasons like, me = we no longer sleep together, bestie 1 = broke up with HIS bestie etc etc.

So we travel to L's house after sorting out that we would not be buying a deliciously cooked meal in a relatively safe and public environment. Probably a mistake I won't make again..... just in case.
He then made me breakfast, afterwhich I made him cum.

Let me list why this experience was amazing:
• it was 9AM. So technically, this was morning sex

This is actually the only positive point I have. The gross food he made me (I cook for a living.....however other than being a vegetarian I am pretty open and generally understand when a boy slaps together some toast+nut butter, yoghurt, fruit, CEREAL, muffins, bagels from timmies, idk! I get it! Cooking is not your thing! Don't despair though buds! Breakfast requires zero effort to be great, worst case scenario I promise! Just follow these guidelines. Waffles gone soggy, burnt pancakes, undercooked eggs, that shit is fine too! All easily fixed with kethup my friend! You can not fuck this shit up. Just keep some frozen berries in the freezer, juice, fresh fruit, cereal/nuts whateves! Stick to the basics!) somehow though, he totally fucked this very important meal up. I am talking, he served me this weird tony robbins esque (who he was obsessed with by the way) inspired breakfast, complete with me trying not to barf.
He made me stare into his eyess for five minutes so we could connect on a deeper level. I totally believe in that shit now, after I totally didn't even want to punch him in the balls anymore.
He was batshit crazy. It was the glint in his eyes that gave it away at first. At first I thought he was just on acid or something, but that sadly was not the case.
He had a boner while he made me breakfast, which I can see this turning me on in say in five years when I groggily wake up, shuffle into the kitchen to find my live-in lover, naked making me toast+nut butter or a cute little fruit plate or something. He would become aroused when he saw me then, and idk it would be hot. We would have a great granite countertop that would feel cool and hard on my naked back.)
But the boner L popped seemed a little bit perverted and weird.
I had the intention of fucking him for better or for worse that day because I just needed something to take the edge off that was not booze. In the end it worked. I have to give this nutcase props, he was an excellent and resiliant lover, if a little selfish and demanding (at one point he told me to kneel after trying to forcible lure me down to his d.i.c.k. for a few seconds. Awwwkward for him when I said no and pushed him on the bed and had MY way.)

Long story short, I went home after work that night and was far too tired to even CONSIDER how broken and weepy I was feeling about T and his stupid birthday.

But yea, two guys in one week, whom I NEVER plan on talking to again........
Idk I don't have to self love tonight, I bought two incredible new cookbooks today, and I have a shoe shopping spree extravaganza that is imminent, hovering in the air over me, waiting for the perfect sunny morning to strike me with the relentless urge to once again be nearly drowning in a sea of flats. What more could a girl want? ....other than granite countertops?

(I fucking love flats.)

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

The sky was great today

Landin, or alternatively, Landon or Landan

I spent the afternoon at my fav Starbucks in Gastown, looking at the beautiful Vancouver sky as I walked over. I followed my coffee up with a traipsing sesh through Pacific Center looking at all the pretty things I want, oogling shoes and ruffly shit. Also, I was on the verge of tears for stupid, girly emotional reasons.

At this point I have already walked by a handful of people that were attractive to me, passing them all by without considering making a move, as today was not for that.
Suddenly I notice a group of guys, all well dressed. The third and last one I noticed was just a complete babe, wearing a blue white striped sweater with a toggle detail on the right shoulder. I walk by.

I was feeling espeicially confident today, ny hair was working out BEAUTIFULLY. It was enjoying the humidity free air by cascading down the back of of my greywhitestripey cashmere/wool (I know, I know, animal rights. It is an ethically made sweater though! Banana Republic told me so!) Cardigan.
All of a sudden, stripey RUNS BY. He stops across from Club Monaco and I look at him questioningly and smile. I want to communicate to him that I noticed his little jog, and that I am curious as that is just my natural inclination about those sorts of things.
He pauses his heavy breathing, looks at me and says
Have you ever
Breathing heavily
Have you ever had just a huge mind fuck?

All of a sudden, I am not walking away and we end up talking for 15 minutes in the middle of the mall.
Some topics of conversation we covered were:
• Hypothetically, if you had just until 2012 to do something, what would you do?
• His mechanic friend and bio fuels
• Me being passionate about food
• How he wants to help people with their finances-his passion
• How I am not his type, which is toooo bad
• How brown eyed people (me) are super emotionally driven and blue eyed people (him - I was definitely staring in his peepers) are more logically inclined.
• how although I am super sensitive, I am just operating at a higher level and other coloured eyes are trying to bring me down rather than rise to my level.... but I am super resiliant anyways....... According to Men's Health
•How he is not on drugs at the moment
• His pnemonic device for remembering names, attaching a vivid and emotional visual with my name.... at which point he describes me in paris with an esteemed chef folding tortellinis, while I wear a chefs hat and white gown all laced up.
•How he actually has to go and meet someone, but he is SOOOOO intrigued by me.
•My teeth, and my smile, I have the cutest two front teeth EVER! I must have been made fun of when I was a kid, but its great!
• What is it about me? He can't justify it in his mind why he wants to know everything about me, but he has to run, how can we take this to the next level.
• I give him my phone number. We can chat it out sometime!
• He has to go! He squeezes my arm, which was weird, mainly because it was deliberate and intentionall, full hearted physical contact. It was my bicep, in his hand, being squeezed.

After this, I walk into Club M, look at sll the delicious items in the spring line. I walk down granville a bit, head into a caffe artiganio and cry a bit waiting for my americano.
The end. Except not really, because I'm still sitting here, crying a little bit everynow and then.

.......I do not even have my period! I SWEAR!
<3 xxooxoxoxo love love

Dirt bags with ponytails standing next to babes in hats

I suck at booty calls. I suck at life!
I don't want to be a negative nancy right now, but I just have to vent these gross feelings here so I do not have to feel icky and pathetic all day. Thanks! I feel ten times better already!
I also feel really gooooood, because I just remebered! I totally win at dance floor make outs! DFMO! Fuck yes!
Last night began with a near overturbulation of stimulation. I could hardly contain myself! Pretty/gorgeous/sexxxy men EEVERYWHERE! I did not want to be objectifyibg all these babes with dirty make out sessions in my head, so I had to BREATHE and CALM THE FUCK DOWN. (I am not even sure where they all came from! I must have attacted them with the residual energy from the living room dance party I hosted early in the day. Guests = me and it was sexy! I promise!)
Anywaaaays, It was my friends birthday at the stroke of 12, at which point I simultaneously was finished work, so we sat at my bar and drank like champions(probably not though! I had three vodka tonics, he had 2 shots and 5 beers) while hot men SWARMED around us. As the night progressed, I ended up at the roxy with the bartenders from the bar downstairs, lost the birthday boy, and realized I didn't actually know any of these guys friends. So it was a little awkward..........
and then I made out. On the dance floor. With xxxxx, the bartender. I am losing enthusiasm as I recount the de-tails of this event, because although it was hot, I (obviously) wanted to take it further. No strings attached, kinda like the movie, but with more workplace gossip and awkwardness.
Just, it was taking forever for him to get past groping/kissing me!

Am I crazy and desperate for willing to thrust myself into an unflattering light just to get laid? Or is my vagina severely deficient in vitamin d.i.c.k. and as a healthy, happy, 20yo girl with a libido that is, well probably it's own organ by now, I am just doing what I need to survive ie not go through another sexless week.

It could really go either way.
Because I bolted. I stopped the dance floor make out, made a beeline for the washroom and subsequently ran out. Of. That. Place...
I texted T on the walk home. Wanting to hang out. I bootycalled him! It must have been obvious, it was 3AMISH! He responded right away stating that he has to wake up in four hours. I said yea buds! You need to sleep now then! He said I know right! AT WHICH POINT I TOLD HIM MY VAGINA AND I WERE GOING TO HANGOUT NOW GOOD NIGHT. Intent of booty call confirmed.

So yea, I just want to take this moment to be thankful nothing EMBARRASSING happened last night! I am so glad I don't come across as weird/cockhungry/desperate! That I do not have to take this oppurtunity to think of ways to emerge gracefully, because I already am graceful. Jeez.


Saturday, February 5, 2011

Screw chocolate. I NEED this.

This book. It is just really pretty and big and is all about my favourite things.

Modernist Cuisine is a six-volume, 2,438 page set that is des­tined to rein­vent cook­ing. The lav­ishly illus­trated book use thou­sands of orig­i­nal images to make the sci­ence and tech­nol­ogy clear

Do you ever forget about your uncanny ability to be unappealing?

Sometimes, when you really really need an orgasm, but are too depressed to even touch yourdelf. Idk okay, it happens..... grizzly bear is there. And they will touch your privates with their music.

Long story long, I am drinking by myself in my room alone. I don't care about dignity here. The lights are off.

I care about d.i.c.k. and soap, mainly because my bedsheets smell like delicious soap and I just want to fuck.

I want to apologize too! For not being this bloggy fairytale! Things are not working out tonight. By working out, I mean I am not being sexxxed, pursued (except by 18yo booooooy) or well I am in the dark alone drinking right now. I am not spelling this shit out for you.
I think I need a marriage counselor, they have those for single people right? Because I need help too. Help me be less cool and more fuckable.
Apparently , everyone thinks I'm cool, I AM NOT GETTING LAID THO. Am I ugly? AM I fat? Is it because I dress badly?


Please god. Tell me I don"t dress badly.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Maybe one day I won't be such a fucking disgusting human being and start winning at punctuation and grammar and stuff

Let me put it this way...
I am a borderline feminist. (Maybe? I don't know! Am I too slutty/fat?........AM I TOO SARCASTICCCCCC) I usually have two concerns for the day, making it to work on time and how I am going to deal with the pending implosion of my frustrated vagina. I went to a school where 90% of the population wore birkebtocks. I've spent the past two days feverishly writing letters to garner support for animal rights. Yesterday, I went grocery shopping and everything I purchased was vegan/cruelty free, this is not unusual for me. If you do not understand what I am saying here, let me sum up. I do not spend my time trying to impress you, person whose ideals and scope of integrity differ from mine. Sure, you are a neat person..... buuuut you eat meat. And you are a dick to me everyday.
I am turned off by that type of behavior! I have been the entire time I've known you!
Sure I am whimsy and fancy most of the time, BUT I AM FANTASIZING ABOUT SEXY MEN WHO ARE NOT SIMILAR TO YOU. Dissimilar. To. You.
Sooo yea. Just do you, and I'm going to do ME.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Are you really thinking about H and T STILL!?!? They clearly do not want.

Everytime i feel insane, like just wanting to BLOW. YOUR. PHONE. UP. I throw my battery underneath my bed and count to ten.
And tell my self it ended five months ago.
......and listen to rap, you know, desensitizing and shizz.
Here is a list of other ways to ignore/deal/parcel up gross/destructive/needy emotions and ship them off to easter island
• angus and julia stone. Nooo, this leads to tears, whoops
•working out
•new perfume, only if you are going to see someone soon who appreiciates when you smell nice though! Do not wear to work you skank! Espeically if you work in a kitchen.
• stop smoking!
• stop with the x_____________!
•dont starve yourself you fucking victimized trauma patient! Eat a healthy snack and look like the happy glowing star you want to be!
• DO NOT text anyone any details about this situation! Write it down! Everyone is bored to death listening to stories about these lameo boys
•..... not even if you were really just emotional about puppies or some shizz! You look pathetic and new at life.
• go shopping, but pleeeease don't buy cute bras and panties. He is not going to see them and you already have tons! Get something practical like a new jacket or boots/heels that he WILL see when you inevitably bumpsies in line at urban fare.
• don't have sex with him
• do you, i mean me, i mean anyone except for T and that18yo!
• read the news you narcissistic fuck! WHAT IS HAPPENING IN EGYPT!?!? Would you survive in an adult conversation? Probably not because you are vain and lazy! Shape up your mind before everyone realizes you are just silly and depraved on the inside.
• just send in the fucking application, finish your degree, and stop whining about being aimless and bored. Gosh. If only you realized the truth before, that those buildings downtown labelled sfu have incredibly secret passageways/rooms just puuuuuurfect for banging in. Just sayin. Plus, that's where those cute boys with long hair ponytail blazer combos of babeishness are coming from. Just saaaayin!

oh my gosh, I forgot all about my premeditated posting topic of the day! jeez! sorry!

My favourite part of life is how i started this blog pretending i was going to write about cooking, when deep down all i wanted to write about was fucking.

All this is changing with a new weekly addition called
I may change this title! I may be posting pictures! Annnnd I may even write a few posts not mentioning boys and/or privates!
I am so hungry right now, time to try out some recipes!

Love love.

Monday, January 31, 2011

Lions and sled dogs dying all over the place :(

This is appaling, I am on my way to work with mother fucking TEARS IN THE CORNERS OF MY EYES.
I want to expand on this later, but long story short. 100 sled dogs culled, shot, dead, because apparantly their purpose in life had expired! They were no longer needed! Their lives were not worth it! NOT TRUE I SAY! Frick.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Social Interaction Is Important folks

So I make poor life choices sometimes. For instance, this beautiful thrashingly wet morning I was in gastown, looking for somewhere cozy to hole up in and while away the day. Then boom, im in starbucks.

Moving on. I find a little corner to sit in and ponder and sip my tea, in close proximity to another empty chair. Soon empty chair is occupied by a tall, handsome oh so dreamy babe. We both sit in our respective silences and twiddle with our phones drink our coffee/teas you know, no big deal or anything..then boom. Were you at a funeral on friday.? I smile quizzically and say no, shaking my head. My hair was in a ponytail so the head shake was more to emphasiss the luxurious length of my ponytail.
He then murmurs that he has been trying to figure out where he knows me from, leaps out of his chair and bolts.... .bolts. out. Of. Starbucks. It is monumental how odd it was.

Oh well, another day, another babe another rain splattered afternoon pondering all of my strange social encounters. Hehe.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Going out tonight was a good ide a. Unntil i fucking sucked and had no friends

Q. Is it weird for 20yogirls to date 30yo boys?
A. Yes, only because the sex is def going to be horrible.

My life revolves around boysboysboys right now. I want to make out/cuddle/stare into the eyes of every babe i meet. Every babe I pass, sit close to on th train, see on a billboard, pay to make me drinkss. I usually have to bring extra panties with me wherever I go because I spend about 99.5% of my time turned on ie. I am sopping wet down there. Ew, gross, I know too much too soon we just met blah blah. I don't want to scare you off with the gross details of my life, but I feel like this nearly constant state of arousal I live is an important factor in nearly every experience of my life..... ahahahaha.
So.... anways this boy/man I have been seeing lately, maybe we were not even at the stage of seeing each other. We were probs just even moooore casual than seeing each other, whatever stage that is. But yes, we have had several encounters that included sex most of the time, dinner once, a movie or two, beers everywhere and a show or something. Sober hang out, check. Hanging with the buds across town, check. Awkward(or awesome?) Convos with the roomies, double check check check. However....... this road we were on..... it was headed NOWHERE. Our entire intertwinement was just a build up in MY mind. Ie, a set up for disazzzzzzz.
I am 20. He is 30. And I want sex, but he does too much cocaine..... and that is tragedy on too many levels.
Plus there was last night, where I was rejected on every social platform available.

So my weekly resolution is to go to Shoppers, buy a shit load of beauty products, work out a bit, write, and just generally be amazing.

As an offnote, an aside, an offtopic note..... I did get picked up while peeing in the street after rampage partying. So maybe I'm kinda awesome to begin with, I don't know, I'm not a social anthropologist.

I love you.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

2010 is dead, and so are my nerve endings. Re: I feel no pain or emotions

The day started out brisk and delicious, a quick jaunt to starbucks because due to events coinciding with the hangover outfit of death at my fav jj bean, i needed an interim tea provider replacement.
I walk in all glamourous and wind swept wearing something that made me feel like walking 20 blocks in all directions simultanouesly just so every single person in the west end would see me.

Whew. Im exhausted some days.

Then boom. Right there, smiling coquetteishly all black dye and anorexia is the only person in the whole entire world who wears more makeup than me, and lover, he was stunning.

Of course he was gay, or homoflexible at the most conservative. He looked like he was twleve and he was ferocity all pent up ready to pour me some liquid love. He inspired me, that no matter how many naysayers there are, no matter what the fuck your occupation is, no matter how o.b.v.i.o.u.s. you are with your out of control voluptous waves, in your gross hipster man boots and sexy split ankle trousers you are sparkley and you are perfect.
Just remeber folks, your appearance plays a huge part in who's attracted to you, and that is a prerogative completely seperate from YOU anyway.

ps, i would totally sexxxx you right now if this internet was in the way, that's how beautious you are.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

I made this blog on my phone and there are severe spellcheck deficiencies, I'm sorry jeez.

So you may have noticed my posts have a definite and major recurring theme. Its not that i am a one track mind (all of the time). I have an amazing job that challenges ne physically AND intelectually. I am so stoked on the path my culinary career is taking, and everyday i count my blerssings, even the non sexy ones like toothpasste and amazingly scented body butter. Because those are totally important too.

I find that i feel like writing here when I am overwhelmed with emotions, such as fear, frustration, happiness, etc. Sometimes I DO NOT want to discuss certain topics with people I know, or I need to discuss certain things beyond the boundaries that normal/sane/non therapists can stand to listen. That is why I love YOU. I don't know who you are, or if you even exist. But you are amazing and kind and I want to hear all about your dreams and anguishes too.
I have issues whose pools of murky grossness I have not even dipped into here, I am not sure if I ever will. I want to be a voice of support and reassurance, an inspiration to young kindred girls like me, navigating a wet and grey city armed only with a single tube of burts bees and a limited data plan.
I want to write about what I am living through, like real life and all that shizz. Currently my real life is most likely NOT a beacon of mentorish goodness. Espeicially because I am usually the role of protege, fucking up, making mistakes, and then being gently nudged towards a better way of doing things. Like baby eagles or some shit.
Anywayzies, just wanted to say........
I love you. Thank you!

Insert catchy trance club beat lyrics HERE.

Flipping heck, I totally dislike when people text useless shit. Do you understand, that is a converstaion KILLER? It's dead babe. Dead.
Expanding on this topic TWENTY USELESS TEXTS LATER......all of this for a friday hangout.... when today is tuesday..... and our relationship is explicitely based on relieving sexual tension. Except actually, i have been left sexually tense after our first and only encounter thus far. My attention is wavering. (Its okay to be a ho-bag sometimes right?)

Assuming your answer is a resounding yes.... let us backtrack several days and venture into the space/time continuum/vortex of sexxx that was new years eve or new years day. For those of you like me, that finished work at the stroke of 12:30 anyway.
It was magically, i had been expecting to be there till the wee hour of 1am. And then boom, i am in full sparkly reglige, with bestie in hand off to a club to dance all our worries away.

Anywaysies, long story short (mostly because in my memory, 7+ hours of partaying feels super short) here is a list of what I "accomplished" . The word I is used loosely here folks, as I was a part of a dynamo team that night.

• got in club for free
• drank myself silly. For free.
• danced on a stage (god please wipe that part out of the collective subconcious)
• made out with a superbabe
• meet a few more superbabes
• exchanged numbers with MILLIONS OF BEAUTIFUL BOYS, muhahahaha evil laugh, inserted, here.
• took over the world with my contagious sweetness and charm
• spilled beer all over my friend's drawings, or as some put it, priceless art you couldn't afford.
• cleaned up beer with expensive scarf whilst exhuding platnium levels of charm
• sexxed artist friend after everyone went home
• said goodbyes, so longs, maybe sang a bit to everyone as they went home.
• found lost id!? It was a New Years Miracle.
• woke up the next day..... we will fast forward to when i woke up that evening in my OWN bed...... to texts and emails that made me smile.

I think my new years resolution is not to be such a novice/embarrassing spectacle. (Although, I will continue to be sparkly. Forever.)

Anyways, love love, and I promise I will never send you silly dead end texts. Because I know first hand how traumatic they are to receive.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Very Important food news. its delicious. i promise.

..... on my phone..... long url but I am tasting this shizz as we speak. And lover, it is divine. I am probably one of several vegetarians that fucking hates tofu, and after reading articles about how soy has potential to harm a body,

Cut it out completely.

But my tummy loves hodo tofo, its so tasty and stylish.

Especially in a sexy little pesto dish. (I have to go... I am having a food induced climax.) Ohmygosh.