Friday, November 18, 2011

Waterbottles made out of wine bottles

Reasons why you should stay in on thursdays.
- .......

Reasons to use an indoor voice in bed
- your roommate
- your ppartner's roommate
- your partner's parents
- your partner's dog
- the already shattered pysche of the kitty you're babysitting. cat sitting. whateves.
- your fragile vocal chords

Reasons to not work in a kitchen.

Reasons to work in a kitchen
- food. duh.

Reasons to be alive.
- guzzling water from a big house bottle, dancing around like a maniac in your living room. listening to beastie boys........ basically this entire morning..... first peppermint mocha of the season whaaaaat.

Reasons to be alive pt. 2
- new computsies
- showers.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Yea, I called Jacob. and I def gave it up. Now lets turn our discretion voices on and talk about private things.


Hey. You! Over there in the non prescrips and gross aa infinity scarf!
first thhings first. that stache is awful. your mo needs to go! I mean yea, everytime I look at you I basically cum a thousand fluid ounces all over myself and pass out just from how obnoxiously good looking you are.
but for real, i mean real TALK right now..... that shit is scrapey.

second point.... I need to tell you a secret.
PLEASE DO NOT think differently of me.

....Actually, DO! defriend me from fb, judge me, erase that brunch date you pencilled in your date book, discard all of our texts. because I have changed and you may not want to contact me ever again.

I am having non slutty feelings.

as in...... I may have an end goal in life that does not hang delicately on the premise of having a gratified vagina at all times.

as in..... I do not walk down the street eye fucking everysingle stached up super stud that I pass

as in...... I am level headed enough to not want to hang out with douchey boys just to get some.

as in..... I have new standards. I don't know where they came from, who installed them, or much the bill is going to be.

I just know that suddenly, my privates feel like an unexplored cavern that my whore hands are not even good enough for.

When will the sexxing resume?
how much of this cold and unbearable winter do I have to spend unaroused?
will it help if i peruse my little lady porn stash everyday?



oh gosh, why are my early twenties being so confusing.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Hovember is over it failed annnyways

Which memory should i del first
All of the ones containing the screenshot of THREE OR PERHAPS FOUR I CANT REMEMBER MESSAGES IN A ROW on fb.


all of them.


the one of tonight, In which I desperate texted, sweated, jump noogied everyone and read poetry in east van.

I segmented 50 grapefruits, feed 110 people salad and petite fours, made sweet, sweet, pastry.

I smoked a cigarette, danced like no one was watching. cuz I was on the side of the stage, and no one was.

read counsel by bukowski

Made sweet, sweet love with sssssssssssssssssssssssssss.


was rejected

Was rejected by a lesbian.

ate mash potatoes

talked to my gma

cut cake

made sorbet


Asked myself, Why do only late 20s want to occupy my vaaaag, is it because compatibility is based on desperation levels.

Why does ssshshshs look so amazing with super short hair?. Did I leave my lipbalm in his car?

Today is dedicated to fresh sheets and pondering, perhaps quietly listening to the chemical brothers/hana soundtrack as I sit here, flummoxed.

Thursday, November 10, 2011



It takes two lameos to have bad sex,
But you can totally get off if YOU'RE awesome, even if your partner is a dead starfish.

I am currently in LimBimbo, that murky area under the semen, between stellar sex never to be had again, and the great unknown bounty of fresh booty. It's where my quest for the Kraken of cock has taken me. It is lonely here.
It's damp and quiet..... I can hear the rolicking waves of other peoples orgasms all around the city.
There is anticipation and fear..... will my next conquest live up to expectation? Can the first intimate sexxy sesh with someone EVER EVEN DREEEAAAAAM of battling the seaworn complexity that is the culmination of a tried and true lover? How do you key down the excitemment and just let it happen, knowing that time ripened fucking in a few weeks will obvs be BETTER, and worth this icky first time business? Will it be icky?

Should I just call Jacob.
.........A. No!

Ps, sick graphic by Duke Riley

ahhhh.... so glad I am finally learning

Monday, November 7, 2011

No ocd (as you will obviously discover): Do you ever lay awake at night, ' itchy at the thought of bacteria...... just wondering.

And it dawns on me how fucking disgusting I've become after realizing I have been using the same toothbrush for the past 7 months.

Time for some serious changes here folks. I am also going to splurge on some sweet microfibre cloths. Situations like this can only be tackled with the brute force of a condensed knit rag.

I can not believe the depravity I have fallen into.....the horrors upon horrors I just pray my roommate knows nothing about.

I own socks with HOLES in them .......but wait.
it gets worse.

My recycling bin... oh god the recycling bin. Why do I throw my fucking dirty tea bags in there? WWWWWHHHY? It makes zero sense.

This rebellious streak has also urbansprawled itself INTO the kitchen drawers. ALL OF THE MOTHERFUCKING FORKS ARE MIXED UP! What kind of lunatic just lets these things happen?
It is so obvious and simple.... small forks in the small spot, large forks in the big spot.

Tomorrow is the dawn of an ultimate clean. I can feel it.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Lets Talk Occupy Vancouver

I hate this whole situation.
I am such a lazy piece I am going to link other websites and not even carve out my own opinion. To be honest, I am having a hard time forming one. My opinion is sourkeys..... for ALL THE CLASSES.


Sign here if you believe


Never make out with: (no partic order here folks)
Bartenders (duh)
Boys from north van
People smarter than you
30yos without cars
30yos period
Sten. He has a girlfriend.
Your australian friend.
Your friend from paris
Your besty
The guy that lets you put your sufjan playlist on for sexxy time
The kid on the bus
The most beautiful kid between those two god foresaken lakes
Your bestfriend's boyfriend's bestfriend
The bartender from downstairs. Do I reaaaaally have to repeat myself like this?
The hot skater with the skate shop that skates. hes mormon and all types of fucked.
The guy working the perfume in sears. that serves at earls........ wait you gave him your number? friends off.
Anyone you meet at the roxy
Anyone you meet between the hours of 10pm and 8am.

Orrrr! Make out with ALLL* of them! hahaha. Annnnnd send me dirty pics or it didn't happen loser! Just kidding, I LOVE you.


(*except for the kid from sears. closet case.)

Thursday, November 3, 2011


Oh Blogger. You have been my home for the best 10ish months due to the ease I could create this blog on my silly little motorola blur. i stuck with you through thick and thin, when wordpress finally amalgamated itself into the android sphere, when your shizzy new interfaced popped up and made everything complicated (Thank you for the option of NOT using that updated pile of headache).

You counted my hits, or pageviews, or whatever it is actually called.

you denied me adsense due to my motherfucking explicit ass content and shit, I suppose my cunty assed censor-worthy bitchy little rants were just too fucked up for your mother fucking pansy assed adword thingy.
i know this sounds like goodbye.

it's not! I am pretty lazy, and clearly not popular enough t that it even matters, but this little series of epitaphs (this word was intentional) is staying in place....
And im opening up shop on my old faithful wordpress.

its called dateknife and its actually about cooking and shit!
okay, har har that was a lie. no cooking, but I will be showcasing my compilation of interviews with vancouver's finest, the creme de menthe of our bland culture.......

Thats right. Sexy ass cooks. And some of their sexy ass girlfriends!

get stoked.

icky sticky thump

jack and meg, jack and meg jack and meg. my true loves since 2002.

Why do I play these deceitful games?
I clearly do not like anything or anyone as much as I like this, and for the record, here is my PERFECT FANTASY

basically me, naked, rolling around in a bed of soft/silky/slightly heeated fabrics sharing bon bons with my puppy as we cuddle and wash it all down with mini proseccos......

all the while, listening to this.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

so last thursday I anticipated being 'sober' it ended up becoming....

The night i almost made sweet bartender love in a bed belonging to the gm of granville room

Well, that happened. Or should I say, almost happened. There was a lot of mouth on mouth......?..... pants mostly on. Was I wearing socks? He was really hot. not as hot as m though, but then pulls out the ol' you're a 7.5 and too hot to work in a kitchen line. as if I need HIS validation for petes sake. as if i am a 7.5! I think I was an 8.5 that night.
I am immensely glad I was too drunk to sleep with him to prove him wrong, self respect peoples.


I woke up the next day with the following inventory on my person:

NYPD tie clippy - stolen from hawksworth bartender as I was undressing him as he was making drinks. he saaid it was all good though.

Burts Bees - Curious, as I was in a boys apt all night and was using clinique black honey at the time.

wooden knob thingy - possible from a cupbourd. I want to make it clear that I do not have a history of disassembling furniture in any type of inebriated state.

Blackberry Bold, unlocked.

Empty pocket where MY phone is meant to rest its angel head...

The ANGUISH I felt was now increased tenfold as not only had I spent a drunken evening, blitzed out' SHAMELESSLY HITTING ON AND MAKING OUT WITH BARTENDERS. PLURAL.. But I had simultaneously stolen a phone and lost my own.

this was a low point, I can recognize that now. I think I need help! I need my friends to be there with me in my weakpoints ad remind me how FILTHY AND DISGUSTING industry people are and that I am just making everything worse by sucking face with these soul less entities... bartenders..

Oh gosh.

I need a distraction

Do you ever want to sexx someone so bad ......
I'm talking so bad you can hardly string words into sentences.

Sooooo bad.

So bad you pour yourself a bath because it is going to take at LEAST a half hour to scrub yourself clean of all the filth in your mind.

basically reading poorly written blog reviews of my restaurant as a precursor to me writing my poorly written blog precursing a poorly written porn

An open letter to lovers and quasi lovers from the August october 2011 ... or. period 3 wexll say.

you all are balls.

e, i just want to say......I blocked you from my news feed. it was because of your incessant links to shit that is so sick it makes you want to vomit on my mom. i am offended by this as a feminist, someone formerly inhabilitated with _______and as an individual with a mom that smells nice.
you post in volumes i do not have the education to measure.
i should also note that i am absolutely not prejudiced against tastes that differ from my own. i enjoy being exposed to the array of musical and cultural tastes within my facebook community, i may be denying myself the pleasure of some serious dope shit later on and i am seriously grieved by this.
however, your posts annoy me. you annoy me.
and you are obsessed with a genre that has encroached upon your decision. making abilitites, to the point where you made the choice to not go to post secondary and instead follow your dream of being adjacent to the fresh kicks.... working in a shoe store. So .... long story long I decided to revisit the oncurring event called ....
boys that like hip hop hit on me.

i just want to be honest, I enjoy parts of hip hop. mostly the kanye part, and the part where im drunk. thats pretty much the extent my palette sways in that direction.

ive noticed i have been attracting hip hop fans, emotionally, this is not a huge deterent albeit i am def more into the supertramp crowd.

.................kay let us get real here. I am not exactly sure what flimsy facade i am trying to pull..... obviously I have few to zero standards and do not really care about the moral composition or ambitious endevaours of anyone..... i clearly am here for privates on privates and should stop pretending that t wasnt even the best cuddle buddy ever... when he wasnt texting or dragging me to hip hop shows. with BEER i might add.

which brings us to the which is what incidentally brought me here tonight.