Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Lady Porn Day. Lady Porn Day? LADYPORNDAY........!!!??!?! Lady porn day.

Today is Lady Porn Day. I am celebrating by waking up and masturbating to T's artwork while he texts me mundane information

I am in a sourpuss mood....haha? My pussy is flooded right now in the debris left over from the monthly excavating project that is always occuring inconveniently. I want to have sex! But my tummy is sore and i don't want to be all eager and like say hey! I have my period! Hope your okay with that! I am. Also, I am a Fucking CUNT right now that is going to fuck you angry style haha! Kisses! Because T is but, well, idk.
Yea, we are potentially going to have sex, no strings, just like both of us want. I have dreamt of this day ever since I was a little girly, being all growed up in my big girl apartment downtown vancouver, fucking and shizz. Living my life.
I am going to barf.

Somepart, deep inside of me, feels like I am wasting my time though. My c.l.i.t. is bored, kinda? Sometimes? Hahaha sadface.
I thought the beauty of nsa sex was that you didn't even have a chance to figure out how uninteresting a person is! Now, currently I am fucking two BOYS (JEEZWHIZ! THAT 18YO HAS NICE PRIVATES) who I am overwhrlmed with their tedium. I feel like some sick desperado, covertly texting them, face flushed from embarrassment from resorting to touching privates with uninteresting people.
Perhaps that is why I feel so sick this bright and sunny period. My body is vehemently rejecting boring penis.

I am going to Celebrities. I have just decided this is how I am celebrating this Lady Porn Day, by loooking at all the real live porn at staright night at the gay club. You know, complete with closet cases bis and everything.

Through all of my great decision making processes, my tampon is somehow still smiling. :)


Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Love Letters Like Hate Letters

Wow T, you really stepped up for Valentines Day (Why am I still talking about this loser holiday) too bad my heart is not a chocolate that will melt from the warmth emanating off the palms of your hands.
I sent this via text:

Awww! Wow thanks for sending me flowers so I don't feel pathetic and sad that im alone on this holiest of days. I really appreiciate the consideration, maybs I won't have that sexy threesome forking sesh with cheesecake, gin, and me. Thank you sooo MUCH! They smell amazing! Hate to burst your bubble, but the ones my mom sent me were bigger and the type I actually like. Let me inflate your bubble again: this is totally the sweetest thing that has happened to me, EVER! Burst: except for that time someone sent me 7llbs of my fave lindt chocolates. That was a great half hour. Infllate: Not as great as the ten minutes you were inside me thoiugh! Burst: you couldn't. Inflate: However, you are still totally super special! Burst: needs.


Please just send me gin next time. I can't sit here in the dark sober.

End text.

Other stuff that happened this week:

Sunday Evening. Shortly before my Sunday Evening Booty Call.
At veras alone the day before valentines day drinking beer. Alone. In a room full of middle aged gay men (because this is davie street). Waiting for my veggie burger. Contemplating where I'm going to throw it up after.

I am alone right now. My vagina is alone in this world.

How did I get to this point?
Sometimes I think about all the great things I used to have, and I feel super sad! Relationships, computers, imagination, pillows. Necklace collection. Idk. Toothpaste. I used to have cinnamon toothpaste. Why do I buy regular toothpaste now? What's CHANGED?????!!!

I texted H drunkenly last night. Telling him I missed him, not just because he had amazing privates, but because he was a great person. I spelled privates like oprigetd though. He messaged me back saying I wasn't lame, and asking what pditates meant. YOU HAVE A GREAT PENIS BUDS JUST WANTED TO LET YA KNOW. I didn't respond.

Back to current events, unfolding right NOW. Still alone, finished my gross burger. I smell of mustard.

Love you. xx
Ps, is my life a mess? What flavour toothpaste will fix it?


Sometimes when I make a new friend on fb, I check out my own page obsessively, reanalyzing every detail available for their perusal, flibbing stalkishly through my tagged pictures, albums, profile album.

This turns me on.
Am I a narcissist? A lesbian? Or do I just photograph extremely well and sexually appreiciate good photography?
Is it bad that I haven't accepted any new friend requests today, but I am masturbating to my own pictures anyway?
Tell meeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Monday, February 14, 2011

This valentines day is already wildy more successful than last year, that time it I was in Montreal alone. Crying.

I had valentines sex.
Granted, it was at 00:05 (to 00:30) - with an 18yo (we will call him S. He is totally taller than me though and likes deadmau5, that's legit right?) - right after we watched Californication - listening to deadmau5....... okay I am deleting his number right now I can feel your embarrassment for me but I had a good time kay? Jeez.
Anyways, let's recap this past week, which to be perfectly frank, has been my most promisicous week to date..... ie my skankiness has reached new heights/depths.

It starts with L. Stripey sweater guy, remember him? Yea me too. We texted, and then presto, somehow we arrange to have a breakfast date on thursday, which coincidentaly was T's birthday. T would be having a birthday party that night, to which my friends and I had all been blacklisted from for varying reasons. Reasons like, me = we no longer sleep together, bestie 1 = broke up with HIS bestie etc etc.

So we travel to L's house after sorting out that we would not be buying a deliciously cooked meal in a relatively safe and public environment. Probably a mistake I won't make again..... just in case.
He then made me breakfast, afterwhich I made him cum.

Let me list why this experience was amazing:
• it was 9AM. So technically, this was morning sex

This is actually the only positive point I have. The gross food he made me (I cook for a living.....however other than being a vegetarian I am pretty open and generally understand when a boy slaps together some toast+nut butter, yoghurt, fruit, CEREAL, muffins, bagels from timmies, idk! I get it! Cooking is not your thing! Don't despair though buds! Breakfast requires zero effort to be great, worst case scenario I promise! Just follow these guidelines. Waffles gone soggy, burnt pancakes, undercooked eggs, that shit is fine too! All easily fixed with kethup my friend! You can not fuck this shit up. Just keep some frozen berries in the freezer, juice, fresh fruit, cereal/nuts whateves! Stick to the basics!) somehow though, he totally fucked this very important meal up. I am talking, he served me this weird tony robbins esque (who he was obsessed with by the way) inspired breakfast, complete with me trying not to barf.
He made me stare into his eyess for five minutes so we could connect on a deeper level. I totally believe in that shit now, after I totally didn't even want to punch him in the balls anymore.
He was batshit crazy. It was the glint in his eyes that gave it away at first. At first I thought he was just on acid or something, but that sadly was not the case.
He had a boner while he made me breakfast, which I can see this turning me on in say in five years when I groggily wake up, shuffle into the kitchen to find my live-in lover, naked making me toast+nut butter or a cute little fruit plate or something. He would become aroused when he saw me then, and idk it would be hot. We would have a great granite countertop that would feel cool and hard on my naked back.)
But the boner L popped seemed a little bit perverted and weird.
I had the intention of fucking him for better or for worse that day because I just needed something to take the edge off that was not booze. In the end it worked. I have to give this nutcase props, he was an excellent and resiliant lover, if a little selfish and demanding (at one point he told me to kneel after trying to forcible lure me down to his d.i.c.k. for a few seconds. Awwwkward for him when I said no and pushed him on the bed and had MY way.)

Long story short, I went home after work that night and was far too tired to even CONSIDER how broken and weepy I was feeling about T and his stupid birthday.

But yea, two guys in one week, whom I NEVER plan on talking to again........
Idk I don't have to self love tonight, I bought two incredible new cookbooks today, and I have a shoe shopping spree extravaganza that is imminent, hovering in the air over me, waiting for the perfect sunny morning to strike me with the relentless urge to once again be nearly drowning in a sea of flats. What more could a girl want? ....other than granite countertops?

(I fucking love flats.)

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

The sky was great today

Landin, or alternatively, Landon or Landan

I spent the afternoon at my fav Starbucks in Gastown, looking at the beautiful Vancouver sky as I walked over. I followed my coffee up with a traipsing sesh through Pacific Center looking at all the pretty things I want, oogling shoes and ruffly shit. Also, I was on the verge of tears for stupid, girly emotional reasons.

At this point I have already walked by a handful of people that were attractive to me, passing them all by without considering making a move, as today was not for that.
Suddenly I notice a group of guys, all well dressed. The third and last one I noticed was just a complete babe, wearing a blue white striped sweater with a toggle detail on the right shoulder. I walk by.

I was feeling espeicially confident today, ny hair was working out BEAUTIFULLY. It was enjoying the humidity free air by cascading down the back of of my greywhitestripey cashmere/wool (I know, I know, animal rights. It is an ethically made sweater though! Banana Republic told me so!) Cardigan.
All of a sudden, stripey RUNS BY. He stops across from Club Monaco and I look at him questioningly and smile. I want to communicate to him that I noticed his little jog, and that I am curious as that is just my natural inclination about those sorts of things.
He pauses his heavy breathing, looks at me and says
Have you ever
Breathing heavily
Have you ever had just a huge mind fuck?

All of a sudden, I am not walking away and we end up talking for 15 minutes in the middle of the mall.
Some topics of conversation we covered were:
• Hypothetically, if you had just until 2012 to do something, what would you do?
• His mechanic friend and bio fuels
• Me being passionate about food
• How he wants to help people with their finances-his passion
• How I am not his type, which is toooo bad
• How brown eyed people (me) are super emotionally driven and blue eyed people (him - I was definitely staring in his peepers) are more logically inclined.
• how although I am super sensitive, I am just operating at a higher level and other coloured eyes are trying to bring me down rather than rise to my level.... but I am super resiliant anyways....... According to Men's Health
•How he is not on drugs at the moment
• His pnemonic device for remembering names, attaching a vivid and emotional visual with my name.... at which point he describes me in paris with an esteemed chef folding tortellinis, while I wear a chefs hat and white gown all laced up.
•How he actually has to go and meet someone, but he is SOOOOO intrigued by me.
•My teeth, and my smile, I have the cutest two front teeth EVER! I must have been made fun of when I was a kid, but its great!
• What is it about me? He can't justify it in his mind why he wants to know everything about me, but he has to run, how can we take this to the next level.
• I give him my phone number. We can chat it out sometime!
• He has to go! He squeezes my arm, which was weird, mainly because it was deliberate and intentionall, full hearted physical contact. It was my bicep, in his hand, being squeezed.

After this, I walk into Club M, look at sll the delicious items in the spring line. I walk down granville a bit, head into a caffe artiganio and cry a bit waiting for my americano.
The end. Except not really, because I'm still sitting here, crying a little bit everynow and then.

.......I do not even have my period! I SWEAR!
<3 xxooxoxoxo love love

Dirt bags with ponytails standing next to babes in hats

I suck at booty calls. I suck at life!
I don't want to be a negative nancy right now, but I just have to vent these gross feelings here so I do not have to feel icky and pathetic all day. Thanks! I feel ten times better already!
I also feel really gooooood, because I just remebered! I totally win at dance floor make outs! DFMO! Fuck yes!
Last night began with a near overturbulation of stimulation. I could hardly contain myself! Pretty/gorgeous/sexxxy men EEVERYWHERE! I did not want to be objectifyibg all these babes with dirty make out sessions in my head, so I had to BREATHE and CALM THE FUCK DOWN. (I am not even sure where they all came from! I must have attacted them with the residual energy from the living room dance party I hosted early in the day. Guests = me and it was sexy! I promise!)
Anywaaaays, It was my friends birthday at the stroke of 12, at which point I simultaneously was finished work, so we sat at my bar and drank like champions(probably not though! I had three vodka tonics, he had 2 shots and 5 beers) while hot men SWARMED around us. As the night progressed, I ended up at the roxy with the bartenders from the bar downstairs, lost the birthday boy, and realized I didn't actually know any of these guys friends. So it was a little awkward..........
and then I made out. On the dance floor. With xxxxx, the bartender. I am losing enthusiasm as I recount the de-tails of this event, because although it was hot, I (obviously) wanted to take it further. No strings attached, kinda like the movie, but with more workplace gossip and awkwardness.
Just, it was taking forever for him to get past groping/kissing me!

Am I crazy and desperate for willing to thrust myself into an unflattering light just to get laid? Or is my vagina severely deficient in vitamin d.i.c.k. and as a healthy, happy, 20yo girl with a libido that is, well probably it's own organ by now, I am just doing what I need to survive ie not go through another sexless week.

It could really go either way.
Because I bolted. I stopped the dance floor make out, made a beeline for the washroom and subsequently ran out. Of. That. Place...
I texted T on the walk home. Wanting to hang out. I bootycalled him! It must have been obvious, it was 3AMISH! He responded right away stating that he has to wake up in four hours. I said yea buds! You need to sleep now then! He said I know right! AT WHICH POINT I TOLD HIM MY VAGINA AND I WERE GOING TO HANGOUT NOW GOOD NIGHT. Intent of booty call confirmed.

So yea, I just want to take this moment to be thankful nothing EMBARRASSING happened last night! I am so glad I don't come across as weird/cockhungry/desperate! That I do not have to take this oppurtunity to think of ways to emerge gracefully, because I already am graceful. Jeez.


Saturday, February 5, 2011

Screw chocolate. I NEED this.

This book. It is just really pretty and big and is all about my favourite things.

Modernist Cuisine is a six-volume, 2,438 page set that is des­tined to rein­vent cook­ing. The lav­ishly illus­trated book use thou­sands of orig­i­nal images to make the sci­ence and tech­nol­ogy clear

Do you ever forget about your uncanny ability to be unappealing?

Sometimes, when you really really need an orgasm, but are too depressed to even touch yourdelf. Idk okay, it happens..... grizzly bear is there. And they will touch your privates with their music.

Long story long, I am drinking by myself in my room alone. I don't care about dignity here. The lights are off.

I care about d.i.c.k. and soap, mainly because my bedsheets smell like delicious soap and I just want to fuck.

I want to apologize too! For not being this bloggy fairytale! Things are not working out tonight. By working out, I mean I am not being sexxxed, pursued (except by 18yo booooooy) or well I am in the dark alone drinking right now. I am not spelling this shit out for you.
I think I need a marriage counselor, they have those for single people right? Because I need help too. Help me be less cool and more fuckable.
Apparently , everyone thinks I'm cool, I AM NOT GETTING LAID THO. Am I ugly? AM I fat? Is it because I dress badly?


Please god. Tell me I don"t dress badly.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Maybe one day I won't be such a fucking disgusting human being and start winning at punctuation and grammar and stuff

Let me put it this way...
I am a borderline feminist. (Maybe? I don't know! Am I too slutty/fat?........AM I TOO SARCASTICCCCCC) I usually have two concerns for the day, making it to work on time and how I am going to deal with the pending implosion of my frustrated vagina. I went to a school where 90% of the population wore birkebtocks. I've spent the past two days feverishly writing letters to garner support for animal rights. Yesterday, I went grocery shopping and everything I purchased was vegan/cruelty free, this is not unusual for me. If you do not understand what I am saying here, let me sum up. I do not spend my time trying to impress you, person whose ideals and scope of integrity differ from mine. Sure, you are a neat person..... buuuut you eat meat. And you are a dick to me everyday.
I am turned off by that type of behavior! I have been the entire time I've known you!
Sure I am whimsy and fancy most of the time, BUT I AM FANTASIZING ABOUT SEXY MEN WHO ARE NOT SIMILAR TO YOU. Dissimilar. To. You.
Sooo yea. Just do you, and I'm going to do ME.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Are you really thinking about H and T STILL!?!? They clearly do not want.

Everytime i feel insane, like just wanting to BLOW. YOUR. PHONE. UP. I throw my battery underneath my bed and count to ten.
And tell my self it ended five months ago.
......and listen to rap, you know, desensitizing and shizz.
Here is a list of other ways to ignore/deal/parcel up gross/destructive/needy emotions and ship them off to easter island
• angus and julia stone. Nooo, this leads to tears, whoops
•working out
•new perfume, only if you are going to see someone soon who appreiciates when you smell nice though! Do not wear to work you skank! Espeically if you work in a kitchen.
• stop smoking!
• stop with the x_____________!
•dont starve yourself you fucking victimized trauma patient! Eat a healthy snack and look like the happy glowing star you want to be!
• DO NOT text anyone any details about this situation! Write it down! Everyone is bored to death listening to stories about these lameo boys
•..... not even if you were really just emotional about puppies or some shizz! You look pathetic and new at life.
• go shopping, but pleeeease don't buy cute bras and panties. He is not going to see them and you already have tons! Get something practical like a new jacket or boots/heels that he WILL see when you inevitably bumpsies in line at urban fare.
• don't have sex with him
• do you, i mean me, i mean anyone except for T and that18yo!
• read the news you narcissistic fuck! WHAT IS HAPPENING IN EGYPT!?!? Would you survive in an adult conversation? Probably not because you are vain and lazy! Shape up your mind before everyone realizes you are just silly and depraved on the inside.
• just send in the fucking application, finish your degree, and stop whining about being aimless and bored. Gosh. If only you realized the truth before, that those buildings downtown labelled sfu have incredibly secret passageways/rooms just puuuuuurfect for banging in. Just sayin. Plus, that's where those cute boys with long hair ponytail blazer combos of babeishness are coming from. Just saaaayin!

oh my gosh, I forgot all about my premeditated posting topic of the day! jeez! sorry!

My favourite part of life is how i started this blog pretending i was going to write about cooking, when deep down all i wanted to write about was fucking.

All this is changing with a new weekly addition called
I may change this title! I may be posting pictures! Annnnd I may even write a few posts not mentioning boys and/or privates!
I am so hungry right now, time to try out some recipes!

Love love.