Monday, February 14, 2011

This valentines day is already wildy more successful than last year, that time it I was in Montreal alone. Crying.

I had valentines sex.
Granted, it was at 00:05 (to 00:30) - with an 18yo (we will call him S. He is totally taller than me though and likes deadmau5, that's legit right?) - right after we watched Californication - listening to deadmau5....... okay I am deleting his number right now I can feel your embarrassment for me but I had a good time kay? Jeez.
Anyways, let's recap this past week, which to be perfectly frank, has been my most promisicous week to date..... ie my skankiness has reached new heights/depths.

It starts with L. Stripey sweater guy, remember him? Yea me too. We texted, and then presto, somehow we arrange to have a breakfast date on thursday, which coincidentaly was T's birthday. T would be having a birthday party that night, to which my friends and I had all been blacklisted from for varying reasons. Reasons like, me = we no longer sleep together, bestie 1 = broke up with HIS bestie etc etc.

So we travel to L's house after sorting out that we would not be buying a deliciously cooked meal in a relatively safe and public environment. Probably a mistake I won't make again..... just in case.
He then made me breakfast, afterwhich I made him cum.

Let me list why this experience was amazing:
• it was 9AM. So technically, this was morning sex

This is actually the only positive point I have. The gross food he made me (I cook for a living.....however other than being a vegetarian I am pretty open and generally understand when a boy slaps together some toast+nut butter, yoghurt, fruit, CEREAL, muffins, bagels from timmies, idk! I get it! Cooking is not your thing! Don't despair though buds! Breakfast requires zero effort to be great, worst case scenario I promise! Just follow these guidelines. Waffles gone soggy, burnt pancakes, undercooked eggs, that shit is fine too! All easily fixed with kethup my friend! You can not fuck this shit up. Just keep some frozen berries in the freezer, juice, fresh fruit, cereal/nuts whateves! Stick to the basics!) somehow though, he totally fucked this very important meal up. I am talking, he served me this weird tony robbins esque (who he was obsessed with by the way) inspired breakfast, complete with me trying not to barf.
He made me stare into his eyess for five minutes so we could connect on a deeper level. I totally believe in that shit now, after I totally didn't even want to punch him in the balls anymore.
He was batshit crazy. It was the glint in his eyes that gave it away at first. At first I thought he was just on acid or something, but that sadly was not the case.
He had a boner while he made me breakfast, which I can see this turning me on in say in five years when I groggily wake up, shuffle into the kitchen to find my live-in lover, naked making me toast+nut butter or a cute little fruit plate or something. He would become aroused when he saw me then, and idk it would be hot. We would have a great granite countertop that would feel cool and hard on my naked back.)
But the boner L popped seemed a little bit perverted and weird.
I had the intention of fucking him for better or for worse that day because I just needed something to take the edge off that was not booze. In the end it worked. I have to give this nutcase props, he was an excellent and resiliant lover, if a little selfish and demanding (at one point he told me to kneel after trying to forcible lure me down to his d.i.c.k. for a few seconds. Awwwkward for him when I said no and pushed him on the bed and had MY way.)

Long story short, I went home after work that night and was far too tired to even CONSIDER how broken and weepy I was feeling about T and his stupid birthday.

But yea, two guys in one week, whom I NEVER plan on talking to again........
Idk I don't have to self love tonight, I bought two incredible new cookbooks today, and I have a shoe shopping spree extravaganza that is imminent, hovering in the air over me, waiting for the perfect sunny morning to strike me with the relentless urge to once again be nearly drowning in a sea of flats. What more could a girl want? ....other than granite countertops?

(I fucking love flats.)