Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Boys or men, it's the same ball to cock ratio when you're a 22 yo girl.

There are beautiful people out there, that are going to treat.you. Like. SHIIIIT. They are reeling you in, with their tentacles of flawless skin and supposed infatuation with everything you do. They are going to ravish the fuck out of your private, and then leave.  Not necessarily YOU, but they are most definitely going to check back into their regular routine that you don't fit in, and are too scared to push yourself into.

They are going to ruin the black keys for you, because yea, good choice of fucking music nik.

They are going to ruin your sheets, and give you things, trinkets and scarves, that you haaave to break, because every molecule contains a little piece of them.  

They are going to disappoint you, the hope of them you hold in your heart is going to disappoint you, and eventually, the memories of the great times you shared are going to disappoint you, because they have turned lackluster with time.  

They are going to text you, expecting sex.

AND THEN when you believe in your heart of hearts that you are ready to pull down the shades, light a fucking candle, and get fucking jiggy with yourself, pumping Sigur, loving yourself the way you want to be loved..... It's over.

They disappear, all of them. All of those PEOPLE.  And you can breathe again, you are no longer a ghost, another shade of fucking grey in this insipid rainforest. 

Friday, May 18, 2012

There is nothing fucking funny about half hearted orgasms, you Hollywood lunatics.

The movie, hysteria.

How do you forget about someone that did, actually, exist?

Do you ever get that funny feeling in the pit of your stomach, that every single cock that has ever been in your private was secretly attached to a whole closest case homo nut job?

//disclaimer, this is reaaaalllymore about my rejection issues than my actually perception of these lovely folks' sexually identity. Titty, hahaha.///// For myself, I know. KNOOOOWWWW this to be true.
Par example; henrik.  With his warm embraces and subtle gentlemanly demeanor, his European style of fucking, and catering to my every whim. I believe he was gay because sometimes we would watch, on my sacred virginal bed, those old spice commercials from 2010 (I'm on a horse!) before getting down to the biz nasty.
Adam - ginger and weird
Tony - 30 yo skater. Nuff said. Always wanted to put it in ze butthole.  
Sten - good little Christian boy! Cootchie Cootchie cooooo. Had a girlfriend, wore a lot of lululemon.
Ellie from France - need I say more? He friggin fucked me as I was bleeding out of my vhagine!
Jacob - worked on motherfucking davie street, a whole 15 minute bus ride away from his home. Had a lot of female friends, had a bisexual friend, had a lot of gay male friends, picked me up at THE JUNCTION .... a place he frequented often. Loved his mom like non other, was super considerate and amazing when he wasn't drinking away his closet-cock fueled sorrow to the max, had a very hard time ejaculating, and, quite often, Sperm cummeth Not at all, In a way that led me to believe my body was fucking repulsive to him.  It's been five ish ,months since I've last seen him though, his life might be drastically more heterosexual now, who the fuck knows.
Mac - from north van, maybe they all just turn out that way?
Aaaaaaand last and definitely almost the best lover of them all, this balls out beautiful lacrosse player that was basically cut from marble by Donatello and was brought to life by the magic that is vodka on ice. but who also might spend a lot of time looking at his teammates naked abs and butts and probably has secret crushes on at LEAST three of them.

My ultimate dream in life is to just make nachos, take off my shirt, and do silly little dances in my living room with some dumb guy with super great abs that likes my dumb vegetarian food and has sorta long hair, and we BOOOTH like grizzly bear and tomatoes. AND. MAYBE, on tuesday afternoons, when it is really sunny but we are both so very tired from fucking the nice riiiiiight out of each other, we just sit on my couch, in the late afternoon glow, and read books that we don't really need to read for any particular reason. And then we get to eat MORE nachos! AGAIN!

I basically have decided, I attract These fembot/down lo situations BECAUSE I SECRETLY LOOK LIKE A MAN.  

There is no other rational reason to explain why a crazy, under sexed 22 yo such as myself is still so fucking, mind blowingly, single. 

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Natalies Rap on repeat! And, if there is anything better than micheal bolton, it is probs michael bolton and lonely island on one fucking track

Sick graphsies by nick gazin via vice, just google it doll face.

you should probably just accept that some days, you are going to spend them so fucking completely blathered on kronenbourg blancs that you are going to not only completely abuse the beautiful gift from god that is photobooth, but you are PROBABLY going to make a huge jerkfaced clown of yuorself on facebook and spend another wednesday night devoid of any tangible moral constitiution, trolling the gum paved street of granville looking for donairs and quiet places to weep with your roommate. fuuuuuuuuck. deleted that biz nasty jd from facebook! free at last.

Monday, May 14, 2012

It takes a brave, or! completely deluded type of person to let a man ejaculate INSIDE of you, knowing that one day you are going to have to push out 7.4 lbs of deranged crazy like me out of your private.

Drinking binge should probably end, right abooouuut, meow.  

I had the whole day off yesterday! HUNG OUT WITH THE OL' MUMSIE POO.  What kind of person receives gifts from their Mummy on Mother's day? .......this girl apparently.

Maybe I am a horrible daughter, for reasons I am actually too ashamed to even admit and definitely won't here.  

I woke up this morning stone cold sober for a change, danced around in my underwear for two hours to Sigur Ros..... Eschewed breakfast in favor of Advil. It was for preventative causes though, I didn't even HAVE a headache Kay.  Contemplated fixing my phone, getting a new one.... Then decided no,  I only use my phone for desperate, slutty purposes anyway.   This is where I am, unable to handle the responsibility of constantly being at the imminent brink of constant communicai with the dilhole ex-lovers of better times past.  

Did I mention that Jacob apologized? Because he did.

Also, little tip of the cock advice here.... Dancing around your apartment naked is fucking healthy for your self esteem.... I guarantee that you will NOT reach a point in your day in which you will feel THAT motherfucking fat.

Kisses fuckas.  

Monday, May 7, 2012

Dude. I just got it

Only old people like me... Because I look so horrible and degenerated, just like them, forever alone, etcetc,MY LIFE IS A MESS.


gee whiz. Ps, my brother just won a piano thingy or something, here I am, the lost child, listening to End Theme and trying on outfits. Who is thrall ire of these two siblings?

Sunday, May 6, 2012


Single People sex kiiiiind of is a huge waste of fucking time.

Nobody loves you after, for starters.  Let us be clear though, it is usually amazing and lovely and blah blah blah privates happy etcetc cock in vag hohum.  

I think I'm just over it, maybe, who knows.  ..... Maybe just up to the midway guzzle of my fourth/thousandth beer when the solitude of early morning debauchery presses most heavy on my heart.

I should probably stop talking about my favourite conquest as well, oh you know the one! The epicenter of the most shameful infatuation I have ever felt. Mostly because I literally can not restrain myself from over saturating our texting convo with my dumb texts.  

I called him kittykat once people, which is part of the reason why my face is in my hands in utter despair.   Other really great moments -
that time you said 'to heck with you dignity!' and texted, called, first, relentlessly, without response.  Oh wait, that was EVERY FUCKING TIME.  
That time he asked me, pointing to a fleur de lis, what this is and I said fleur d'aunis, because apparently I am obsessed with my dumb job and have nothing else except stinky rind washed cheeses to think about.
  That time I was really boring
....oh yea! Best ever! That time after he kisses me goodbye, I whisper in his ear......"..thank you for not cumming inside of me. "

At this point I should have seppuku'd.

Oy fucking vey.

And then yesterday, Because I am amazing, I went to the Flying Pig for brunch. Before work, and drank a half bottle of champagne with a friend, a wise older woman who I wanted to learn from.  At this pointin my life, I needed a mentor to tell me ... Something. Prolific, prophetic, I didn't even care, I would have taken anything.  In fact, I took the croque Madame, sans le jambon, a big swig of champers, and listened to every word she had for me.  It was amazing, but telling, and awful, and at the end, after the brunch crowd had dissipated, I  fiiiinally had the opportunity to use my cod joke (Chef Eric says to us, get over it! Plenty of other fish in the sea! And I say yea, but not a lot of Atlantic cod.  Crickets. ), we said goodbye to the neighboring table of elderly brunching hipster ladies (dump him, they agree, unknowing I actually don't have anything to dump)  and I left for work, all bubbles and foam on the inside, giddy and sad,

What an exciting time.  

Friday, May 4, 2012

It Must be Odd

I feel like I miss the staring in part of life, looking in on a world of hippies and Asians and transient souls from an afar suburb.  

I'm from a small town, I currently live in the bubble.  
I wish I hadn't come here sometimes, that I still had the safety net of my family, my puppy, long dead now, my brothers, my mother.  
What did I trade it all in for? Concrete and bitches.


Thursday, May 3, 2012

Ps, just checked my google reader, hilarious juxtaposition ensued

Hint, it has nothing to do with mad cows.

Bitch in the kitch

Today I made RAW! Vegan! DESSERT NACHOOOOOOSSERS! It was fucking tasty. In lieu of tortilla chips, I used frozen raspberries and grapes, cheese was replaced with slightly slushyish almond breeze, and ground animal parts was replaced with kashi lean crunch. Yea, it all was frozen ish. But DELECTABLE! Xoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoooooxx