Sunday, May 6, 2012


Single People sex kiiiiind of is a huge waste of fucking time.

Nobody loves you after, for starters.  Let us be clear though, it is usually amazing and lovely and blah blah blah privates happy etcetc cock in vag hohum.  

I think I'm just over it, maybe, who knows.  ..... Maybe just up to the midway guzzle of my fourth/thousandth beer when the solitude of early morning debauchery presses most heavy on my heart.

I should probably stop talking about my favourite conquest as well, oh you know the one! The epicenter of the most shameful infatuation I have ever felt. Mostly because I literally can not restrain myself from over saturating our texting convo with my dumb texts.  

I called him kittykat once people, which is part of the reason why my face is in my hands in utter despair.   Other really great moments -
that time you said 'to heck with you dignity!' and texted, called, first, relentlessly, without response.  Oh wait, that was EVERY FUCKING TIME.  
That time he asked me, pointing to a fleur de lis, what this is and I said fleur d'aunis, because apparently I am obsessed with my dumb job and have nothing else except stinky rind washed cheeses to think about.
  That time I was really boring
....oh yea! Best ever! That time after he kisses me goodbye, I whisper in his ear......"..thank you for not cumming inside of me. "

At this point I should have seppuku'd.

Oy fucking vey.

And then yesterday, Because I am amazing, I went to the Flying Pig for brunch. Before work, and drank a half bottle of champagne with a friend, a wise older woman who I wanted to learn from.  At this pointin my life, I needed a mentor to tell me ... Something. Prolific, prophetic, I didn't even care, I would have taken anything.  In fact, I took the croque Madame, sans le jambon, a big swig of champers, and listened to every word she had for me.  It was amazing, but telling, and awful, and at the end, after the brunch crowd had dissipated, I  fiiiinally had the opportunity to use my cod joke (Chef Eric says to us, get over it! Plenty of other fish in the sea! And I say yea, but not a lot of Atlantic cod.  Crickets. ), we said goodbye to the neighboring table of elderly brunching hipster ladies (dump him, they agree, unknowing I actually don't have anything to dump)  and I left for work, all bubbles and foam on the inside, giddy and sad,

What an exciting time.