Friday, March 25, 2011

A COMEDY OF DOUCHES ..... Or alternatively its 830am and im three stellas deep with my best friend Florence and the machine.

positive: I found the most amazing penis. A perfect set of privates. The pleasure trifector if you will.
I don't have to talk to him, text him. I don't have to put up with his weird 18yo bullshit, because he's 28.

Positve: my vagina is SMILING at the day, saying hey mother fuxkaaas. I feel nice.

Negative: this particular penis has a dog? Just came back from Mexico? Previoulsy lived in a house? Won't take me to his new apartment??? Gf? Shush! Don't even say that! Calm the fuck down lady! Stop being such a paranoid polly and just breathe in some sanity, and blow out with crazy kay.

Positive: he seems to know the entrenetier at my restaurant. How quaint it is that yalerown is such a small town at heart. How deliciously quaint.

-Okay, I am about to go harsh negative nancy on your butt so just grab some orange juice so you can chug a little sunshine after we get this ugly business out of the way. Cool.

Negative: indeed yes, my entrenetier knows this particular penis ........his girlfriend is a close family friend.
Actually, this particular penis called him when he was looking for a job....... Since then he has found a job fucking next door
ALSO my entrenetier buds says there is a picture of this penis, WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND I REPEAT HE IS BALLED AND CHAINED on buds mom's fridge. Just to be sure, we texted buds mom for confirmation on the status of the relationship. Her response. They live together.

Relationship. Confirmed.
Douichebaggery. Confirmed.

...... Another swinging dick. Come and left.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Dream Big

I want to see flowers

I want to see my bones poking out of my skin (just kidding! that is so groooos.) and see daisies everywhere.

I was walking down cambie the other day... as per usual and saw these super cool black ferns or something.

I miss the gardens.

I want to live in a garden... and I would be super fit tending to it all day.. like harvesting the tomatoes and rhubarb, watering the roses etc etc. i would TOIL under the sun.

watch the sun set.

walking into my living room..filled with orchids and calla lillies . there are windows everywhere... the crazy end of day red shimmering in till its last bearthe (does that only happen in paia? on angry vancouver days?)

once... i went to mana foods in paia.. with my friend... this boy. we bought all these lovelysnacks and watched the surfers as we ate .... such an adventure. we met randomely on the bus at the pacific whale foundation. i think he was high. why do i do everything bý myself?

like travel?

anyway... back to my garden house.

then I would make delicous supper, out of baby spinach or arugula or butter lettuce or some shit. all nice and tossed with tasty vinegary shallots. with a poached egg on top... poached in apricot champagne vinegar (it exists) or just plain white vinegar with apricots or nectarines hanging around..raw almonds...... maybe some tommed`or cheese depending on how lactose i feel that day.... plus BASIL. I would harvest my whole grains and make a delicous bread for my stable boy or neighbours. I cant eat it... iäm celiac.

they would love it warm with apricot jam.

after we would pick apples, as the stars are twinkling on, and the air is twinkling cold on my arm hairs.

then..... I would lay down in my bed.... beautiful sustainable oak (does that exist?) .. maybe actually just a yoga mat on the floor because I dont know where id buy my furniture from. probably too cheap to buy furniture anyway.

my walls would be a deep plum and id have white lace curtains..... and some sleepy landscapes on the wall....

I would lay down and dream... about going to thailand or france..... depending on how hungry i feel.... (stupid muscly legs)

I would probably wake up.. have a tea. and then I would be so grateful. and focused. I mean, so many people have shown me love over the years and I would be able to articulate my gratitude. and regret over how I effed up. in letters, in actual comunication. (idk.. where is my spell check?) In how I live my life.

maybe I would even send them some candy, like licorice all sorts

... image from wooster collective. maybe i should cite where all of images come from instead of being some disgusting ddegnerate internet theif.

i have to change out of these skank clothes before i meet mz real friendssssss wahhhh

I am praying right now....

for this burning sensation to SHAKE SILLZ GIRLS TO DEATH to stop. why do girls not think im CHARMIN question mark.

i just want a best friendsies again.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

The Sun is Shining Everyday

Yesterday I went to Vancouver Art Gallery and had a fantazmo experience. Even though my ex french lover came with! Came with his new girlfriend that is.
I saw an old friend from highschool!
but I spazzed out and was too shy to say hellosies.
He looked super cute in all of his stylish glory.... he is in fashion now.

I was wearing cargo skinnies? wtf is my problem?

Okay, these are just minor disturbances..... I just need to man the fuck up and get over it because these are not even the major issues of my life.

Let us begin with this most recently past friday.
I was feeling amazing! No rampage partying urges! Drinking wine with some lovelies.... surrounded by sexy bartenders from other restaurants!
Ahhh no. bartenders are never sexy kay! They are FORBIDDEN. annnnnd not in the hot way either! In the you will have to slit your wrists if you ever mess around with that biznasty!
In the way that when you see a bartender step out from BEHIND THE BAR AT THE END OF THEIR SHIFT....
you get. the. fuck. out. because you are scared down to the depths of your poor little girly soul.
That kind of forbidden.

Anyway, this isn,t even a bartender story! This is a story about how I fucked a fellow garde manger at the restaurant NEXT: DOOR: TO. MINE.
/he knows everyone I know over there
/myreputation may have changed!
/i cant even do anything remotely fun/sexy this weekend because I am in some sort of pivotal point of whoreishness.... annnnnd I am kind of enjoying it? but let me be honest.

None of these boys can even hold a nutmeg scented CANDLE to the lovemaking skills of my Danish ex H. he was a MAGICIAN.

And I think I am beginning to understand maybe he was super special and not everyone will be as amazing as he was? so i should proooooobably stop looking before I end up being the neighbourhood tramp.

So yea, sigh.
Maybe I should just limit sexy time to dance party time in my living room?


Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Mission Possible.... slash a diversion from writing about what is actually happening ahahahahah

You have a job today.
It involves running to your nearest shoppers drug mart....
here is a a list of nearby locations if you live in the west end of van


there yet? whew.

okay, now ruuuun again to the candy aisle and just prepare yourself for this next bit.


That is two. pounds.. as in LBS! as in 454g plus 454g. of. candy. for threeeee dolllas! hahahahahah!!!!!HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
(I feel a little eensy weensy bit maniacle as I have polished off a good portion of a bag of my fave! sour gummy worms. hahahahahahHAHAHAH!!!!)

grab six bags. you will NOT regret this...... I PROMISE YOU!


Wednesday, March 9, 2011

I just... want to make ______

Kay can I please go here?
I just really want to go there.

Also..... this.


I am 20 and I am liberated

Here is a checksies list of accomplishments this week:
  • went to antique store
  • left phone in a vulnerable position to be stolen in antique store
  • bought a vibrator (not in the antique store!)
  • celebrated Woman´s day by being bitchy to incoming bootyballs. incoming via FACEBOOK (jeez, like I know I am super hard to get a hold of because my phone was stolen.... but sometimes my roommate can see the dirrrty fchat convos and sometimes we just laugh about it. laugh at it. laugh at you.
okay, maybe I accomplished a lot this week and this list is not the best way to showcase my amazingness. So instead, let me talk to you about how this vibrator is making me feel.

ITS MAGIC! I AM CURED! Cured of the slutty that is. Literally, all motivation to talk to boys, ever!!! has evaporated. I am basically liberated.

Kay I have to gooo back to bed.

yea, bed.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Listening to BBC1v radio right now...

and I am super frustrated with life!
Like I love my life.. its just that I fucking hate being sober! hhahaha then I only have time to think about H and .... well sometimes I think about T but he is certainly a minor part in this horribe daytime drama.

I am excited right now.... exctied down THERE: ie I want to f.u.c.k
ie I hate that I am single
ie I hate meeting boys in bars slash clubs
ie i think I am going to chain smoke for the next hour before I have to go to work.

gross I know! jeeeez.

xx please tell me an embarassing story so I can just feel better about myself? ;)

Sometimes pt. II ... the part I incoherently rant

Sometimes I just pretend I am super dumb..... I Get more leeway.

Standing in line with sober people at the bank.... i am so glad i don't look that sily and bored! HHahahahahaha!

Also, when boys tell me what they like and what they do not like? As if I care? As if my entire LIFE revolves around pleasing THEM? I am just going to say it right now. My life revolves around pleasing my VAGINA. My. Vag. Thanks.
...... should I be more upset that I have to put up with boys and their gross condescending attitudes, all of their insecure domineering bullshit just to cum everyonce in a while? .....or should I just say screw em and buy a vibrator? Will I become addicted to it? Would it be super skeazy if I brought it to work with me some days?

I wish I had a super knowledgeable adult to ask these things. Like someone who knows how to do their taxes so they could teach me too! Instead of just getting my Mom to do it. Hhahahhahahhahha.

I want to live in a rock, in a house in a rock. ALONE.

This could be me.....This is a poem I called called REALITY
Be a drama QUEEN. Watch shows like csi miami, brothers and sisters, californication and boardwalk empire. Watch them huddled beneath a blanket of the cats that you keep, their inhaling exhaling kitty tummies, kittiy pulses and occasional kitty barf will sheild yoou from the gross feelings emanating from the tv and your life. The cats will hold you up in case you pass out too.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011


Sometimes girls don't want to do coke and want to fuck instead
Sometimes they like to listen to music lyibg in bed

Weird thoughts as I drink alone. Again.

• i have a lot of eyebrow hairs, like I am trying to trim and tweeze and make it pretty, because I do not have TIME to sober up and go to my lady (say it like m'lady) but this is taking a long fucking time.
• why do I have tweezers with a girl's head at the top?
• have you seen this?
•is it okay if I am a drunk mess if I am going back to school in September?
• do you think my mom notices that the only time I spend money it is to pay rent, go to the liqour store or take out cash? I'm not exaggerating! Why did I give her my online banking password?
•I have never bought condoms before, I kind of want to though.... because T LOVES coming in me and I love pissing him off
• I wish people would send me great links because I am to lazy to ocd browse through google reader today
•I love you? !? It's true!

Apparently i give the middle finger by rampage fucking you in your bed. On my period, in your sheets.

Sometimes... an event will occur, that willl become very traumatic for me to think about after. I'll give it a name, for example, I titled last week's disaster bloody tuesday, (it just seemed hilarious at the time okay? Jeeeeeez)
I package the story up in that title, tight. It is still really ugly to think about, so I push a bunch of pretty ribbonds on it and kick it in a corner or a closet and gtfo of the room it was in, hyperventilating a little, no biggie. No trauma. No drama, I feel cool and collected and in no time, PRESTO! I am just a bag full of sunshine again.

I am now going to GO BACK IN THAT ROOM, open the closet door, take all of the ribbons OFF AND OPEN THAT SHIT BACK UP. Ready?
• got trashed on six stellas.
•talked skiing with expereinced europeans
•discovered my fancy new friends KNEW T AND THAT HE MIGHT BE COMING TO THIS PARTY?!
WHAT??......... dealt with this internally as not to cause alarm to my hosts
•proceeded to become increasingly more trashed, pushing BEYOND all forseeable limits.
• boom blackout, my recollection ends here.
The events thus far perhaps are pretty standard fare..... this is what I hearrrrrrrd about after
• drinking from an unidentified bottle
•yelling out explicit sex secrets!
•Telling everyone my LIFE STORY
• at one point yanking my tampon out? Where was I and where is my tampon? (I am hyperventilating right now)
•Taking a taxi all the way to west van? Fucking the shit out the frenchman? I don't know why I put up question marks, I asked him the next morning after we had morning sex three times if we fucked the night before..... he said yes.
..........I go home, confused. However my confusion is shortlived because I have a friend request on fb from unidentified male who ALSO attended the party.....long story short I go out for drinks with him that night to pump him for information. He tells me about the unmentionables that I can't even putt down in words! Ahhhh!
He buys me drinks, I get tipsy, steal a chef jacket from Doolins pub, go home end of story.

Whew, tuesday/wednesday.

We are now at thursday, which was a day that was special because I DRANK MORE WITH FRIENDS and did not get out of control.
Friday, I went home sober? Weird. Saturday...........
Okay saturday wasn't that great.... went to relish, ginger, then ran in the snow all the way up keefer street to have sex with an 18yo.... he fucked the shit out of me because I wanted it, i deleted his number because I strongly dislike him. Hmm.

Hmmm. Hmmmmm. My vagina is a little sore, and this is where I come to a conundrum. T invited me over today. But I am like fully satisfied!
But he texted me all the beautiful things he was going to do with his mouth and my privates..... and that is pure magic people!
Maybe I am just super trashy/skanky/an all around DEPRAVED SEX ADDICT but I think I am going.....

Oh ps. The Frenchman is best friends with my my totally superawesome roommate hahahahha!
Hahahahhahahahahahaha!hahHAHAHAHAHHAHAH!!!!!!!..... *exhales/inhales in brown paper bag while slowly backing out of apartment*


(So many more shameful stories....embarrassing tales of vim and vigour that I am scared of unleashing..Well maybe i want to talk about it a little bit but not right now!

Love love, xoxoxoxoxooxox